scheduled.

if you've followed my blog for any long amount of time (and i doubt many have), you may have noticed that i disappear sometimes.  every single one of those disappearances has had to do with depressive episodes.  or, as i now think of them, mixed episodes.  mixed because my depression manifests itself through some manic tendencies--not needing sleep; not needing food; aggressiveness; irritability; etc.  my recent disappearance has been no different.  it has several causes, this episode.  the most clearly defined is j(wh) breaking up with me.  which has been horrendous.  i won't put that specific word in his mouth, but i know it's been very hard on him, too.  it's not a pretty thing, ending a relationship.  of course, that's not the only cause of this particular episode.  there's been the recent election, with accompanying emotional extremes--elation over obama's victory and discouragement over prop. 8's success.  and all of the ways my relationship with the church and friends and family are caught up in that.

i've refused to write because i knew i would be tempted to write about all of that.  breaking up.  the church and prop. 8.  being sad.  my family and prop. 8.  being angry.  ad nauseum ad infinitum.  and i didn't really want to do that to anyone who reads what i write.  plus i wasn't sure what, if any, of that i want out in the ether.  so i've avoided blogging.

so why am i here tonight?  apparently talking about the very things i said i didn't want to talk about?  i'm here because i decided to add blogging back into the schedule of activities that has helped keep me a little sane the last couple of months.  and it has been a schedule.

there are the scheduled interactions with other people:

• lunch with the thai tuesday crew almost every tuesday
  
• lunch with grad student friends every wednesday
• dinner with george almost every wednesday
• talking to JP every week
• attending quaker meeting once a month
  

and the scheduled minutiae  

• waking up early to plan a lesson before class every MWF
• organizing my medicine every monday into a little pill case so i can take it every day
• planning my week every sunday
• weekly appointments to take better care of my health
• walking to and from campus MWF (and occasionally in between)
• crying (which has happened with unfortunate frequency; so much so that it sometimes feels scheduled)
  

and there's the things that should join the schedule:

• tea with J.  because we've done it twice in the last couple of weeks and it's such a pleasure.
• dancing.  which i haven't been able to do because of the side effects of new medications. but i'm getting a handle on those, so i should be able to dance again.
• bike riding.  because i know it would be good for me, body and soul.
• going to the grad student knitting group.  because i have projects to work on.  and talk is good.  and new friends are always a good thing.
• baking my own bread.  mmmyummy.  i'll even have my own sour dough start soon.
• blogging.  because i miss writing about my world.

so look for more posts soon.  tomorrow a post about the things i've done in the last couple of months of which i'm proud.  because there's enough of which i'm not proud that i want to remind myself that i haven't been a complete loss.

and finally, if you've been involved in any of the above, god bless you--you have no idea how much it's meant to me.