101 things to do.
so as i was browsing the web (as i am wont to do), i ran across a meme on another blog. the object: identify 101 things i want to do in the next 1001 days. and it seemed like a fun way to identify and do all kinds of things i'd like to do, from simple activities to traveling to accomplishing major goals. i start tomorrow, march 28, 2007, and hope to finish by christmas eve 2009. activities in progress are in italics. activities accomplished are crossed out. and when i write about them, i'll link my entry.

{note: i dated this a year ago so i could link it in my sidebar without it showing up in the body of my blog. it may be an awkward way of accomplishing my goal, but what can i say...i'm only somewhat technologically savvy.}

1. gain a reading ability in spanish; i.e., pass my minor language exam

2. visit a cultural site once a month. some possibilities: the getty, the getty villa, the new moma (NYC), moca (LA), the norton simon, the museum of jurassic technologies, the art institute of chicago, cabazon’s highway dinosaurs, the legion of honor (san francisco), hollyhock house, etc., etc.

• april 2007: the norton simon in pasadena
• may 2007: the greek theatre in griffith park in l.a. i'm looking forward to more trips there and exploring the park much more extensively.
• july 2007: the WACK! feminist art exhibit at the geffen contemporary. a fascinating exhibit. i particularly enjoyed discovering judy chicago's work.
• august 2007: a month that brought plenty of culture. the highlights included trips to falling water (which was so incredible), the hyde collection (a small but wonderful art collection near my sister's house), and (finally) a visit to the isabella stewart gardner museum (where i saw one of my favorite sargents).
• september 2007: an afternoon immersed in poetry. perhaps not the typical cultural experience, but beautiful nonetheless.
• october 2007: oh which one to choose? i think i'll just say the whole weekend of october 26 - 28. great food. great music. great city. great company.
  
• november 2007: seeing wicked with my mom, sister, and two nieces; in l.a. the night before thanksgiving. katiana's first theater experience ever, which she positively loved.
• december 2008: my first ever excursion to see a comedy show of any variety--j(wh)'s sister performing as part of dance magic, dance! in l.a. so fun.
  

3. visit falling water. i suppose i should tell shaun this is on the agenda for my next trip to d.c. update: this is in the works. jeni and i are heading down to see shaun and alice this month and plan a stop at falling waters while en route home. final update: shaun and two of his boys, A and W, and i went to visit falling water in august. so incredible.

4. swim in the ocean. this is a bigger deal than you think, since i *never* actually swim at the beach. brrrrr!

5. climb mt. whitney. hopefully as part of the john muir trail. but maybe all by itself.

6. road trip up the west coast. update 11/07: i made a road trip north through california, but what i mean by this is driving up the coast, not just traveling north through california.

7. pass my PhD qualifying exams. update 1/08: this would be easier if i actually finished building my lists.

8. be able to run three miles without stopping.

9. travel to a foreign country. maybe even more than once. on another continent, if possible.

10. read the bible, book of mormon, doctrine & covenants, and pearl of great price. a challenge, since i tend to study scriptures with a cross-reference approach rather than a read-straight-through approach. (0/4)

11. go to mexico! having lived within three hours of the border most of my life, you’d think i’d have done this by now. i haven’t.

12. pot an herb garden and use it for cooking.

13. save up for a new camera and, once i have it, use it often.

14. write more letters. real letters. that go through the mail.

15. pay off credit card debt. now that is a worthy goal.

16. go to a concert at least once a quarter. and not a classical one. rock. folk. blues. jazz. in other words, work on making up for a long stretch of music oblivion.

• Q1 (april - june 2007): the arcade fire at spreckels theater, san diego. wow. just wow. the arcade fire, take two, at the greek, los angeles.
  
• Q2 (july - september 2007): a beautiful evening taking in band of horses, andrew bird, and the decemberists at the hollywood bowl, los angeles. stephen stills at the house of blues, los angeles. a synaesthetic evening with ryan adams at the wilshire in los angeles.
• Q3 (october - december 2007): the bridge school benefit concert, where i saw neil young, my morning jacket, regina spektor, and tom waits (among others). and regina spektor on halloween.
  

17. go to a classical concert at least once a quarter. disney hall. segerstrom hall. and definitely something outdoors once in a while.

18. write a children’s book. just cause i think it would be interesting to try.

19. de-junk. positively herculean. update 8/07: i dug out my study and my bedroom in advance of 20 family members coming to town to visit. the job isn't done, but i've made a good start. update 1/08: yeah. all the work done in the summer? reversed. and now i need to start again.

20. finish at least three chapters of my dissertation. more if possible. (0/3)

21. present a paper at a conference. more than once.

22. write something every single day. no matter what it is. just something.

23. date someone. (this list of lofty goals needed some comic relief.) update 1/08: i am stunned--delightfully stunned--to report that this is happening.

24. read a book for the sheer pleasure of reading it at least once a quarter. (when you read for a living, you have to plan in pleasure reading.)

25. go for a walk—outside (malls, museums, libraries, and other buildings don’t count)—once a week. (36/145)

26. apply for a job. and hopefully have an interview at MLA set up.

27. learn how to play chess. re-learn backgammon and checkers. (0/3)

28. learn 4 new pieces on the piano. (0/4)

29. finish reading the complete novels of jane austen, the juvenilia, and susan. (i only need to read sense & sensibility to finish the novels.) (0/3)

30. go stargazing. maybe in joshua tree. maybe with shaun again.

31. see the desert in bloom. hopefully one of the next two winters will be wetter than this one has been.

32. try a food i've never eaten before once a month. or one i've always said i disliked. (11/33)

• galia · guava · taro root (with black sticky rice and coconut) · apricots (white ones, to be exact) · corn tortillas (always have said i didn't like them; got enchiladas with corn tortillas last week and loved them; it might help that they were made fresh at the stand where i got them) · tamarind--a bit spicy, a bit sweet · soup dumplings · mushrooms · ramen · kuromame (at least i think that's what they're called; japanese sweet black beans) · pho
  

33. spend an afternoon people watching.

34. hike the north to south lake loop and see the beauty of evolution valley for myself.

35. hike at least one new trail each summer. (0/3)

36. shave my head. i've been saying for a long time i want to do it. maybe to celebrate passing exams? or maybe just for the hell of it sometime.

37. kayak on the bay.

38. go to the beach once a month. i love the ocean (though i don't particularly love swimming in it or sunbathing on the beach), but i rarely go to the beach. time to take advantage of being so close. (2/33)

39. watch the godfather. probably the whole series, though i'm aware that the third one is supposed to not be so great. and it's my best friend's favorite movie, so it's about time i watched it.

40. take a bookbinding class. i have no idea how plausible this is, but i really want to learn how to hand make books.

41. read jesus the christ. it's been on my list for a long time. and my parents bought me a lovely leather bound edition for my birthday last year. time to read.

42. make at least one leper bandage each month. my life is busy and it's hard to find time to do humanitarian service the way i would like to. but i can crochet while watching tv or movies, and i will watch tv and movies. (2/33)

43. lose a few pounds. at least ten. maybe 15. not because i think i'm fat. my body is fine. but half my clothes don't fit and i can't afford to buy new ones. so lose weight it is. i wonder if there's a cheese, bread, and fruit diet...

44. read the constitution, complete with all amendments. i've read bits of it, but never the whole thing.

45. donate blood. for some reason i've never done this. i don't even know my blood type.

46. learn my blood type.

47. read shakespeare. not all of it, cause i won't have that kind of reading time on my hands what with exams and all. but some. my shakespearean ignorance is kind of embarrassing (though i usually laugh at it).

48. go christmas caroling. every year i want to do this, and i never do. if you're interested, let me know. update 12/07: i didn't go caroling this year, but i did go to a christmas party that was all about singing carols.

49. participate in hearts and hands. i really should take advantage of service opportunities when they're given me.

50. read 365 ways to change the world. do what i can based on its ideas. or based on the accompanying website.

51. listen to a completely new band at least once a week (and trust me--my ignorance and seymour's tutelage make this possible; and to define completely new: meaning a band i've never consciously listened to, even if i've heard their stuff on the radio or something). (10/145)

• the who · architecture in helsinki · a band of bees · band of horses · bjork · peter, bjorn & john · solomon burke · feist · a girl called eddy · electrelane
  

52. write a "this i believe" essay and submit it to NPR's series.

53. run a 5K for charity.

54. try that fabulous pizza place RAF has recommended.

55. go parasailing. i've always thought it sounds fun. though i'll say up front that if cost is prohibitive, this one's going to be struck from the list.

56. attend the los angeles times festival of books. April 28, 2007

57. extend a micro-loan (or multiple loans) through kiva or some similar organization.

58. take measures to preserve my sanity through the upcoming 2008 presidential campaign; i.e., get cable tv so i can watch the daily show. {mid-may 2007. i didn't get cable, but my brother did. complete with dvr or tivo or whatever so i can record my shows. i'm in love with john stewart. and i'm finally enjoying house.}

59. wash my car. {april 16, 07; of course i really should do it more than once.} laugh all you want, but if you could see my car you'd realize that i don't get around to this very often. and which leads me to...

60. clean out my trunk. what a disaster! of course, one never knows when one will need a guide to the university's study abroad opportunities or a comprehensive anthology of literary criticism...

61. go to the austin city limits festival. their line up this year is incredible. i'd love to go this year, but i'm not sure i'll be able to swing it. we'll have to see.

62. go to a cinespia screening at the hollywood forever cemetery. i've been wanting to do this ever since a former roommate told me about it. films projected on the side of the mausoleum. they tried to show night of the living dead there a few years ago, but the cemetery clientele objected. well, their living relatives did anyway...

63. visit san luis obispo. i keep hearing how gorgeous it is. and i've heard there's a fantastic bookstore there. i obviously need to go. plus nicole and i have been wanting to take another jaunt up the coast. it's time. update 11/07: i made a detour to SLO on my recent roadtrip, but it doesn't quite count.

64. take a roadtrip without a destination. just get on the road and drive. until i see something that makes me want to stop.

65. see wilco in concert. before the end of the summer. that means either going to austin city limits or arranging my summer travels so i can be back in l.a. for their show at the greek on august 29. update: i managed to get tickets for the august show at the greek, which determined my summer travel schedule. i'm counting down the days... update 9/07: saw wilco at the greek. incredible.

continued january 2008

66. improve my swing dancing, something i only started doing a month ago (november 2007) and i'd like to be a whole lot more confident.

67. see big sur. i've been wanting to for years. time to do it.

68. finally visit the museum of jurassic technology. i keep making half-hearted plans to do it, but i haven't managed it yet.

69. move into my own place again. it's been good to be at home. but it's time to be on my own again.

70. go biking at least three times a week. work my way up to the long rides my dad and j(wh) do. maybe even a century ride--have to see how much i fall in love with it.

71. participate in a political protest. maybe on the 5th anniversary of the war this march.

{to be continued}

toothache.
i'm feeling alone tonight. maybe it's sitting in a cafe with my headphones on, seeing people together while i'm locked into my insular mode of work and music drowning out the sounds of the life around me. maybe it's that my teeth hurt because i desperately need to go to the dentist and that reminds me of russel banks' book Affliction in which the protagonist experiences a toothache that gets worse and worse as his life falls into ruin, culminating in a scene in which he wrenches the tooth from his jaw with pliers immediately before his sanity snaps altogether. i can't see the movie just because of that scene. maybe it's that i have so much work to do, and all of that work always reminds me of the fact that i'm working for nothing because i don't count as something myself--i only count as something if i'm embedded in family and i'm not.

so i ply myself with mindless diversions. not working. not thinking. not connecting. all the while presenting a mask of happiness good enough to deceive almost anyone.

i need a moment of grace. a seagull flying low down high street and hanging a left onto congress.

happy.
some simple (and sometimes silly) things that make me happy:

• rain dripping on the metal rain gutter just below my window
• hot chocolate and a book on a cold, blowsy afternoon
• the way the cap screws on so cleanly on a new tube of toothpaste
• clothes folded perfectly and arranged in a rainbow of colors
• the ruby gleam of a hummingbird's neck in the sunshine
• cut daffodils opening in a vase
• new growth on roses
• a single albino poppy plant in the middle of a field of golden yellow
• email from a friend just asking how i am

to be continued...

falling with style.
this round of grad school has been an exercise in sheer determination in the face of what always seem like utterly insurmountable odds. i find myself fighting constantly for breath; trying to scrape together enough thoughts on a similar topic to call it a paper or a presentation. fighting my conviction that i don't have what it takes. battling all the cognitive dissonance i experience with some regularity as a result of my bizarre mental-emotional constellation of feminism, mormonism, intellectualism, and the never-absent need for marriage. i invariably end up a crying mess at more than one moment each quarter. and then i think that i just can't do it and i don't know why i ever tried and i should quit. but i keep coming back. either i am a masochist or i am really driven. when i'm enjoying my studies as much as i have been recently, i know i'm doing it because i love the thinking and the teaching and the exploring ideas. i love seeing my students work through ideas and i love thinking new things because of what they said. but when i'm stressed to the breaking point and i'm lonely and i realize that there is no way humanly possible to complete all my work, i collapse into a weepy mess--something that happens unfortunately often in front of other people.

regardless of my mental state, school seems like an exercise in survival. i've begun to reach a point where i realize that this is just the way it is and that it means nothing about my own abilities. grad school just kind of stinks, to put it oh-so-eloquently. today as i walked home from teaching a lesson which mercifully went well, given the fact that i hadn't really thought about it until immediately before teaching it, i called my little sister to say hi. and as i was explaining to her how my week has been (and it's been hellish), i thought of that scene in toy story where buzz "flies" and woody responds, "that's not flying ... that's falling with style!" it occurred to me that grad school is exactly that. it's not flying. it's falling--with style. taking the jump off some high point and hoping that as you fall you find ideas and thoughts and works and projects that give you enough bounce to make it look like you're flying, even though in reality all you're doing is plummeting down, drawn by the inexorable pull of gravity.

maybe, if i fall with enough style, i'll make it through and even end up with a job some day. here's to being stylish.

read.
i've been meaning to do this for a while. a running series of posts on books that i'm reading or books that i love and think that you (meaning everyone) should read. no time like the present.

A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
i had to read this for a seminar i'm in right now and was pleasantly surprised. it's incredibly engaging from the beginning. and presents a fascinating look at the french revolution. in addition to telling a moving story, it does really interesting things by doubling france and england, paris and london, and two of the male characters. the use of the doubles allows for an interesting commentary on not only the nature of france, but also of england. well worth reading--both for entertainment and for scholarship.

An Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison
this is a beautiful book that functions as both a memoir and a scholarly treatment of manic-depressive disorder. Jamison herself suffers from manic-depressive disorder and is a trained psychiatrist, so her perspective is unique. it's a compelling look at mental illness.

Black Zodiac, Charles Wright
a lovely collection of poetry by one of my favorite poets. wright manages to capture stories in his poetry without ever presenting narratives. his representations of place are pristine and striking. he also does interesting things with the form of his poetry. he's a poet i return to often.

and you thought you knew me...
i got this from dora and while i don't always do these things, her very first answer made me laugh hard enough that i decided i owed her. with no further ado...

four jobs i've had in my life
sticker-putter-onner for a make-up company
secretary x3
events planner, designer, marketing, editor, stepper-up-to-the plate
warper of young, impressionable minds (teacher)

four movies i can watch over and over
a room with a view (make me melt, george)
dirty rotten scoundrels
emma (i'm in love with Mr. Knightley)
13 conversations about one thing (leaves me wondering every time)

four places i have lived
palace court (study abroad in london)
hooville (or charlottesville to the uninitiated; america's eden)
beantown (boston)
a bubble (provo)

four tv shows i love to watch
law & order (of any stripe)
arrested development (curse fox!)
the office (a newly acquired taste)
the daily show/the colbert report

four places i have been on vacation
the hiltons (not the hotels; the lakes--in the high sierras)
charleston, sc
paris (france, not idaho)
new york city (a regular destination of mine)

four of my favorite dishes
chicken saag (indian)
chicken mango curry (thai)
sweet sticky rice (thai)
steak & potatoes with a side of asparagus (at sullivan's)

four websites i visit daily besides blogs
google.com
uci.edu
ldslinkup.com
wikipedia.org

four places i would rather be right now
wandering through new york city
deep in conversation with a friend
entranced by a stage production of one of my favorite plays
with my sisters and mom; location doesn't really matter

four bloggers i am tagging
brookewill
and that's it, cause all my friends are also all the bloggers i know and they've been tagged.

windy.
so very windy that last night our house shook with each gust and the palm trees shed fronds which thumped onto our roof and the glass rattled in the windows. this morning i woke to a beautiful, freshly clean world of dream-blue skies and green green trees arching and swaying.

i love the winds. more than any other gift the world gives me. even more than rain, and that's saying a lot. i love the feel of the wind against my skin. like a kiss from God. i love the way they make the trees speak. whispering secrets or even shreaking pain. they make clouds scud across the sky. or they leave the sky radiantly crystal clear. the make me remember that there are mountains in southern California--beautiful mountains with snow on their peaks.

i lean into them as i walk and fight with my skirt as they whip it around my legs and they are, for me, an insistent reminder of God's grace.

charity: a reflection in three parts.


christmas. at some point just before christmas, my mom told me that my dad had invited two women from their ward to join us for christmas eve. my immediate response was to be peeved. i like my holidays quiet. i don't want to entertain a bunch of people and feel obliged to talk to them if i don't feel like it. i hate small talk with strangers. i don't like trying to find something i have in common with them to talk about. and i made it known to my mom that i wished we could just have a quiet holiday.

but my dad had already made the invitation. and one of the women had agreed. and the other one called on christmas eve to tell us she was rearranging other plans so she could come and be with us. needless to say, i was not pleased.

but once something can't be changed i'm not one to be all snotty about it. so i set to work and helped my mom prepare all kinds of food and set the table pretty and fold the napkins like lotus flowers. and the two women came and one of them was a bit dour and the other one was a bit effervescent. and i was a bit sulky.

until i stopped worrying about how they were ruining my christmas and instead let myself realize how happy they were to be with us. these two beautiful women who didn't have families to be with that night. rather than having a christmas eve i had to suffer through, i ended up enjoying myself and the laughter these two women brought with them into our home.


resolution. i don't often make new year's resolutions. i'm not very good at keeping them. but this year i have made one. i am something of a thinker. and i have been trained by my graduate programs to think by taking other people's thoughts apart. breaking ideas down into component parts to see if they work. what results often sounds negative. because it leads me to point out the ways in which another person's work is inadequate or wrong. this is in part a necessary evil. to make one's way in the world of academia, it's vital to find an opening. some niche that you can make your own. and that can only happen when you show that everyone else has failed to see things your way (which is, of course, the correct way).

but i don't like the fact that this response leaves others feeling like i'm always trying to show them how their thoughts are lacking, how they are weak. it makes it sound like i'm condescending and i don't like being condescending.

i still want to think critically. and i still want to recognize the ways in which an idea may not be sufficient. but i want to read more generously. i want to go with someone in their thoughts and their argument, try to understand it. find the ways in which their thoughts fit with mine, areas where they overlap, places at which there is a gap between them. and try to adjust my own thinking to incorporate the good of theirs while maintaining the good of mine. it is time for more intellectual charity in my life.


god & i. i have been thinking lately about how i have dealt with the fact that i am not where i think i should be. i think i should be married. with a baby. or maybe even two. of course, that's fairly irrational given that i've never even had a legitimate opportunity to marry (i don't count the time a guy i knew showed up at my house and told me god wanted me to marry him as legitimate). but i still haven't let the irrationality of my expectation prevent me from being angry at god for not giving me what i think i deserve. i have tried not to be angry. because i'm pretty sure getting angry at god doesn't accomplish a whole lot. at least nothing positive. it has certainly worked to undermine my happiness.

a couple of weeks ago i was talking to a friend about this issue. not about my anger. more about the fact that i have essentially reached the conclusion that i will most likely never marry. and i got a little weepy (as i'm prone to do). he looked at me and asked me if my being married is a good thing. the answer seemed so obvious that i looked at him funny and then answered yes. his reply was simple: then pray for it. because we have been told that when we ask god in faith for something which is good, he will give it to us.

i wasn't convinced it was that easy and left the conversation a bit skeptical. but i've been thinking about it. about this idea that if we exercise faith and ask god for good things, he will give them to us. that our faith truly is a tool that we can use to bring about good in the world. and i've thought about how i have responded to this particular problem in my life. i certainly have not responded with faith. i have responded with anger and anguish. and with fear. but not with much faith. and it occurs to me that i have not been charitable to god. i have not loved him and believed in his goodness--not where i am concerned. it is time for a more simple faith. trust that god does love me and will provide for me. a more pure love of god--not for what i think he can do for me (that love transforming to anger when he doesn't deliver), but for his essential goodness and mercy and love.

moving.
i'm moving again. 9th time in just over 6 years. i'm pretty damn sick of it. and this one has me a bit torn. i'm moving home again. to live with my parents pretty much indefinitely for the first time in more than 12 years. part of me wants this. i'm so lonely in my own apartment right now, living with someone that i don't know very well and with whom i don't have a whole lot in common. it will be nice to wake up and share breakfast with people i love. and to have someone i can talk to when i get home in the evening. but i'm already missing my own place, the small semblance of having a "real" life that i do have. there is a part of me that clings to having my own place, where i express my own tastes and wants and needs. but one of the costs of that right now is not sharing that place with someone i love. so which do i sacrifice? i don't know. thus the experiment. maybe i'll be back in my apartment in three months. maybe i won't. one thing i do know is that i need to let my hunger for my own, more settled life fire my efforts to finish my degree. the sooner it's done, the sooner i can actually start building my own place in this world, a place that hopefully will feel less transitional.

rain.
last night it rained. with thunder and lightning. i love the world when it rains. everything seems clean. the grass smells alive. even the asphalt smells good. and the lightning amazes me. reminds me of how miraculous and wonderful our world is. even if we do understand the phenomena we see in it. and because we understand them.

i know i shouldn't, for the sake of those living on hills, but i hope we have another wet winter.

perfection.
last night i rediscovered perfection. it's been hot lately. fresh out of the shower, my skin gets clammy. the air in my apartment is still and sticky. night time brings little relief. in fact, it seems to only get hotter in my apartment when it hits 11pm. sleep comes hard. but last night it cooled off for the first time in a week. really cooled off. i climbed into my bed next to my open window and was surprised by the cool touch of my sheets. i had forgotten how lovely a cool, cotton sheet feels. i snuggled down under my cold sheet and blankets and slept easily.

it's strange that cool sheets make me feel cozy. it wasn't hot. they didn't give me relief from heat. but they felt good. it made me think of the goose bumps i get in my hot car. it's black, so the expanse of reflective silver i put in my windshield does little to prevent it from pulsating heat waves on a hot summer day. when i step in on such a day, i close the door and sit for a moment in the breathless heat of the car, watching goose bumps raise on my arms. chills from the heat. i fill my lungs with that hot air and shut my eyes and something in me lets go.

write.
this often happens. i write in my journal. regularly. explore ideas and thoughts and experiences. try to understand myself. and then. silence. sometimes years of it. they always seem to happen when life becomes hardest. when perhaps i need to be writing the most. fleshing out my problems. ranting. weeping. laughing hysterically over odd little things that jolt me out of my funk and make me know, again, that life is good and lovely and beautiful.

it is time to break silence again. one of my best friends told me once that to write is to think. that without writing, one cannot think. i don't know how absolute that statement is, but in some way it is right. i would add that to converse is to think. i have existed thinking only in spurts. randomly. when compelled to because i'd rather converse with my friends than sit a sullen lump. but lately i have realized how much i miss thinking. all the time. hard, laughing, wailing, rigorous, silly, exhilerating, mundane thinking.

so i will write.

sustenance.
yesterday i walked into the canyon. the sun was shining and it was unseasonably warm for february. i had never been up rock canyon before, though i lived within miles of it for years. and i have loved it for years. it is where the day gives birth to sunshine, the light streaming through the canyon illuminating the rocks long before the sun crests the peaks.

at one point, i saw an old car upside down in the gully along the trail. its bottom was rusted, the tires missing, and plants and the earth have claimed it. the bumper was still chrome and the faded blue door had bullet holes in it. i don't know how it got there.

as i walked back out of the canyon i stopped and sat, my back to the sun, on an enormous rock. just listening to the wind. the wind in the mountains is unlike wind anywhere else. it speaks in a soulful but delightful voice of the secrets buried in the mountains. it caresses your cheek at one moment and in the next rages against your body.

before i left the canyon, i climbed up to a rock wall and leaned against it, absorbing the strength of the earth, its peace and its solidness. i kissed the rock and thanked the earth for being mine. and then i returned to my world happier.

haze.
i feel strange in my world right now. i am emerging from the haze of doubt and confusion and sorrow i have been battling with my personal convictions, if not constantly at least consistently, for the last year and a half. this feels beautiful. i feel as if an incredible weight has lifted from my shoulders.

but my realization of how beautiful this world is stands in stark contrast to the ugliness i am seeing in the political climate. i am finding myself engulfed in a haze of rhetoric and intimidation and fear. i remember the day twelve years ago when the u.s. (i suppose it was really the u.n. but it seemed like the u.s. to me at the time) attacked iraq. i was so young and thoughtless. all i knew was that my great nation, which was of course right, had done something and i must support it out of patriotism. and i wondered why my sophomore english teacher wept while she talked about it. and now i find myself dazed at the thought that we may find ourselves doing the same thing twelve years later. except this time i do not have the excuse of youth and innocence to explain my lack of understanding. i have only the cloud of hazy rhetoric with which i have been bombarded for the last six months.

i do not object on principle to the idea of a military strike in iraq. perhaps it is necessary. i do not know. but i wish i could trust the leaders of my nation to act according to fact and truth and with integrity. i cannot. i have heard too much rhetoric. how can i believe that a government leader acts with integrity when he objects to the u.n. allowing a "rogue nation" (one of the horrible members of the "axis of evil") to not comply with its decisions but is willing to act in direct opposition to the u.n.'s decisions himself? in this scenario, might makes right and there is one nation who will rule the world, either through direct or indirect means. how can i believe that president bush actually agreed with the resolution to send inspectors into iraq in order to determine if they are or are not in compliance with u.n. requirements when, a brief four months later, he is willing to throw it all away in order to disarm saddam hussein? how can i see the u.s.'s agreement to the resolution in november as anything but one step among many necessary to achieve its end objective, which is not the disarmament of saddam hussein but rather the use of force to disarm saddam hussein. we are behaving as a child who has decided it knows exactly what it wants and will get it at any cost. or worse, as an adult who knows better, when they can be rational, than to bully those weaker than they into conceding but is doing just that even though they should and do know better.

i object to war on moral grounds. but i am enough of a pragmatist to know that moral grounds will not always solve problems; war is not always avoidable. but i object strenuously to fighting a war when every honorable effort to avoid it has not been made and when the rhetoric of fear is the primary tool for arguing for said war. and no amount of mis-named pragmatism will convince me that i am wrong.

i am afraid. not of terrorists or "evil" nations or the idea of war. rather, i am afraid of the lack of honor and integrity i see at the head of this nation. i am afraid of the thick darkness that comes with the use of rhetoric as a tool rather than the truth. i am afraid of the perversity that will spring from the rhetoric of fear.

adamant.
i read tonight the words of an apostle of the lord, declaring that god's love is conditional upon my obedience. every fiber of my being declared an emphatic NO! i can imagine no teaching more contrary to my belief in and idea of god. he loves me. it matters not what i do or think or say. it matters not how far from him i stray. his love remains. i acknowledge that his blessings are conditional. i acknowledge that eternal life is conditional. i acknowledge that inspiration and revelation are conditional. and i acknowledge that my ability to feel his love is conditional. but the existence of his love is not.

perhaps i split hairs. after all, what does it mean to love if that love cannot be expressed and made known? but i remain adamant; god loves every man, woman and child who has ever lived on this earth regardless of their errors and their sin. not in spite of or even though they have sins. he just loves them. because he sees the absolute beauty at their core. how can one help loving the pure beauty and power it is to be, to exist? and how can god, who sees perfectly and understands all of us, including our potentialities, help loving us? i insist upon this truth: my god loves all humankind. if he did not, he would cease to be god.