i'm feeling alone tonight. maybe it's sitting in a cafe with my headphones on, seeing people together while i'm locked into my insular mode of work and music drowning out the sounds of the life around me. maybe it's that my teeth hurt because i desperately need to go to the dentist and that reminds me of russel banks' book Affliction in which the protagonist experiences a toothache that gets worse and worse as his life falls into ruin, culminating in a scene in which he wrenches the tooth from his jaw with pliers immediately before his sanity snaps altogether. i can't see the movie just because of that scene. maybe it's that i have so much work to do, and all of that work always reminds me of the fact that i'm working for nothing because i don't count as something myself--i only count as something if i'm embedded in family and i'm not.
so i ply myself with mindless diversions. not working. not thinking. not connecting. all the while presenting a mask of happiness good enough to deceive almost anyone.
i need a moment of grace. a seagull flying low down high street and hanging a left onto congress.