21 March 2006

toothache.
i'm feeling alone tonight. maybe it's sitting in a cafe with my headphones on, seeing people together while i'm locked into my insular mode of work and music drowning out the sounds of the life around me. maybe it's that my teeth hurt because i desperately need to go to the dentist and that reminds me of russel banks' book Affliction in which the protagonist experiences a toothache that gets worse and worse as his life falls into ruin, culminating in a scene in which he wrenches the tooth from his jaw with pliers immediately before his sanity snaps altogether. i can't see the movie just because of that scene. maybe it's that i have so much work to do, and all of that work always reminds me of the fact that i'm working for nothing because i don't count as something myself--i only count as something if i'm embedded in family and i'm not.

so i ply myself with mindless diversions. not working. not thinking. not connecting. all the while presenting a mask of happiness good enough to deceive almost anyone.

i need a moment of grace. a seagull flying low down high street and hanging a left onto congress.

7 comments:

  1. I'm no divine, squawking, anchovie eater (wait, I should probably take that back), but I'm sure god loves you and stuff, but probably not as much as how he just loves the kids that sleep on streets at night, you know what I mean?

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  2. i'm pretty sure he loves me, too. the challenge is transforming that knowledge into belief so deeply ingrained that loneliness simply feels sad, not debilitating and desperate. quite a challenge when other beliefs are already ingrained where this one needs to take up residence.

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  3. isn't there a sherlock holmes story about how your mind is like an attic and every piece of new information pushes out an old piece of information? it'd be a lot nicer if you could pick what stays and what goes.

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  4. wouldn't it though? i have a whole slew of ideas and notions that i'd love to whisk out with the cobwebs.

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  5. hey biblio/Amelia, this is Dan, a.k.a. RedHatManDan. I was going to ask how you are doing, but apparently you've got tooth aches. I'm sorry to hear that.

    Jaime says hello, and we both invite you to our new family blog called The Life and Times of Dan, Jaime, and Ava Simone. I've been posting about my dad's escape from Romania recently, and also pictures and videos of our recent severe flooding. Maybe those might help distract your attention from your toothache. :)

    Nice blog, btw. I'm going to link it on ours. :)

    Take care,

    Dan

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