discovered.
at the prompting of friends, i decided it's time to start sharing the discoveries i make. they'll take all kinds of shapes and forms. dining. sweets. books. music. art. you name it, if it's good or interesting or scrumptious or lovely, i'll try to share it. so each week, check in and see what i've discovered in the last seven days. and for good measure i'll occasionally throw in something i've discovered a while ago and continue to enjoy.

indulge.

• sprinkles. the most ridiculous concept in sweet goods ever. a store that sells cupcakes. that's it. cupcakes for you. cupcakes for your dog. and shots of frosting. for those of us who don't like cupcakes but do like frosting. it's also ridiculously overpriced--$3.25 for a single cupcake. that didn't stop my friends and i from buying half a dozen to sample. i recommend the funkier varieties--pumpkin with cinnamon frosting, chai with chai frosting, ginger with lemon cream cheese frosting. you can pass on the basics--chocolate and vanilla in all of their varieties. i make better basics at home. if you must have a chocolate one, get the red velvet.
• chocolate. so i did a chocolate night with friends this week. we sampled a pound of see's candies, five different chocolate bars, and three varieties of chocolate ice cream. the discovery was lindt's white chocolate coconut bar. it was tasty. hands down the best white chocolate i've ever tasted. it was so good, in fact, that a friend who likes neither white chocolate nor coconut liked it best of the bars available that night. and if you're up for something a bit trippy, try a nice dark chocolate with either peppercorn or chili pepper.
  

relax.

• kean. i'm always on the lookout for a new cafe. and my standards are rather high. i want not only excellent hot cocoa (something that is nearly impossible to find), some herbal tea options, and decent snacks, but also a relaxing environment. somewhere i can sit and study for hours. i found a lovely new alternative this week. kean. at the intersection of irvine and 17th street at the edge of costa mesa and newport beach. they not only have your standard hot cocoa, but also mayan spiced and mexican spiced hot cocoa. and they not only have herbal teas, but also herbal iced tea (something i've never found before, though i've often wanted it) and herbal chai (another rarety). and they make italian cream sodas. pair it with tasty food and the sustenance side of the equation is met. on top of it all, they have a lovely atmosphere complete with comfy chairs, friendly employees, and live music in the evening on the weekends. and they give their coffee grounds to customers to use as fertilizer. goodness in all its possible cafe forms. for you coffee drinkers out there, i'm sure their coffee is as good as it gets. and it's an independent. long live the independent coffee house.

read.

• dickens. so i was browsing barnes & noble last night (a pasttime for me; i just can't walk through those doors without committing myself to a perusal of the bargains). i had gone in to buy sibelius' 5th symphony (which is gorgeous) for my dad for his birthday and on my way out i made my obligatory stop by the bargain shelves. only to discover beautiful hardbound reprints of the nonesuch series of dickens novels. nonesuch was a press active during the early half of the 20th century. they printed hardbound copies of literature that attempted to combine the quality of a fine press and the affordability of a mass market printer. these use dickens' final text and the illustrations he chose himself to accompany his novels. the original set included 24 books. i only purchased 4 and i don't know how many B&N is selling, but they're only $6.98 each.
  

eat.

• thai. thai nakorn, to be exact. on garden grove boulevard between harbor and fairview. go. you won't regret it. it's worth the drive down harbor to eat this incredibly delicious food. and it's not expensive. i have far too many favorites to list them all, but some suggestions: beef panang curry(i have never, ever, even at ruth's chris steak house, had beef this tender; it practically melts in your mouth), barbequed catfish (incredible fish, amazing sauce), pad thai (the best i've eaten anywhere), beef with chili and basil. if there's a thai dish you want, they probably have it. and if it's not on the menu, they'll probably make it for you anyway. for dessert try the sweet sticky rice with mango, the coconut ice cream, the coconut custard (cooked in the coconut), or the fried banana. or you could be weird like me and get the coconut ice cream served on top of the sweet sticky rice. it makes me hungry just thinking about all of this deliciousness. do yourself a favor and go. right now if possible.

forecast.

• disney hall. to experience mahler's third. this friday, saturday, and sunday. not only is this the most gorgeous venue, anywhere, this symphony is an amazing experience. the first movement is longer than the entirety of beethoven's 5th. the work as a whole embodies all of creation, from the beginning to the angels. it uses not only an immense orchestra (nine double basses; there aren't many composers who call for that many double basses), but also a mezzo-soprano soloist, a women's chorus, and a boys' chorus. exquisitely passionate. if you get the chance go. if you're a student, you can try for a $10 rush ticket beginning two hours before the performance.
  

needs.
i've decided that since i use google to find everything else, i should also use it to discover what exactly i need. because i clearly haven't been able to figure it out on my own and google is like the 21st century version of a seer. so, with thanks to marigold who inspired this and my last post, google tells me that i need the following:

• amelia needs you!
• amelia needs to turn her attention to regaining her husband's love
• amelia needs 3-4 hours of exercise daily
• amelia needs a haircut and a real job
• amelia needs to rise to the challenge
• amelia needs help
• amelia needs to pray for getting her horrible grades up
• amelia needs him
• amelia needs constant support and encouragement and this can be achieved with outside help and financial aid in the form of regular donations or a monthly debit order
• amelia needs attention to details
• amelia needs to get to the library
• amelia needs a desk that meets her work needs
• amelia is really a princess, and in order to break the spell she is under, she needs a kiss before two cycles of the moon pass
• amelia needs someone who is understanding, intelligent and likes planning ahead like she does
• amelia needs to learn impulse control
• amelia needs a good nap

and

• amelia doesn't need "big assets"

i also discovered another amelia in the blogosphere who has done this precise search. i didn't steal all of her amelia needs; i only used the ones that my own google search turned up.

now i think i should feel slightly disturbed. the entries in color are so accurate that i couldn't have stated them better myself. i made one gray because it's essentially accurate--i could certainly use a kiss within the next two moon cycles--but the princess and spell parts can only be interpreted metaphorically.

and you? do you have needs?

fantasy.
if i were a paper doll, i'd look like this. well, i might not be wearing earrings. cause i only wear them occasionally. and it's only about a 30% chance i'll be wearing my glasses. and the puppy is a figment of my imagination for now, but i'd have one if i could. the slightly funky style and the spiky short hair--that's pretty accurate. and i suppose i should be honest and say that my thighs are a smidgeon larger than hers. but you know, if i can't fantasize about having perfect legs when envisioning my paper doll self, when can i?

if you too would like a lovely way to completely waste time on the internet, go build yourself a doll. maybe one of these times i'll build myself a fantasy man to go with that fantasy dog and those fantasy legs.

light.
my week began and ended with light. i turned thirty-one last monday. my body woke at 6:00, unbidden, to a silence-filled dawn. my blinds were open and i watched as first light crept into the world, infusing the sky with golden periwinkle against which a palm tree stood silhouetted, the whole striated by my blinds. after watching the gold grow stronger and the blue of night fade, i sat up so i could look out on my world and discovered a crystal clear sky, blue mountains beckoning along the horizon. it was a beautiful way to start a new year.

as i moved through that day, thinking about the opportunities created by starting a new year, the clarity of that half an hour laying in bed watching the gleam infuse the world stayed with me. as i looked forward i saw nothing but possibility and happiness and love. in many incarnations, but possibility and happiness and love nonetheless. that feeling stayed with me all week, coloring all of my interactions with others. shaping my attitudes. leaving me feeling happier than i have in years. and for no discernible reason.

last night as i drove on a wild goose chase to meet friends, the sun set, filling the world with shadows. and over the palm trees' silhouette standing against the deepening night sky, the moon captured the sun's light, silver infused with the gold of a sinking sun.

cahier.
yesterday morning, i sat on my bed listening to NPR, and opened my new moleskine notebook. legend has it that moleskine notebooks were used by artists and poets and writers all through the 20th century, carried in pockets of van gogh and hemingway and picasso, traveling around the globe as the avant-garde found inspiration for their imaginings. probably the manufacturer of this incarnation of the moleskine has simply tapped into a beautiful marketing scheme, but these artists did in fact use pocket-sized notebooks. repositories for flashes of insight and skeletons of future works of genius.

there's something magical about a blank notebook or journal. empty pages, waiting to be filled. even when all that's inscribed there is ordinary, mundane bits of information, they tell a story of a life. and, in amongst the mundanities, there are bits and pieces of wisdom and brilliance and passion. sometimes insights of my own. sometimes those of others far more gifted than i, culled from the world around me as i wander museums and bookstores and the mall. yes. the mall. it's amazing where inspiration appears unbidden.

just as i finished unwrapping my black, grid-lined notebook with a pocket at the back to hold treasures, my mama walked into my room holding something in her hand, saying "i think i'll send these to madelyn." when she got closer, i saw that she was holding three or four old notebooks of mine--relics of my childhood interest in hello kitty. but also the ancestors of my continuing love of a blank book, ready to be filled with thoughts and ideas.

happy.
more simple (potentially frivolous) things that make me happy:

• the way a newborn baby's stomach rises and falls as he breathes
• british accents, especially glottal stops and crisp t's
• periwinkle blue moths fluttering
  
• unexpected color combinations
• ice cream sandwiches from diddy riese followed by a burrito from tito's tacos
• cardigan sweaters with big buttons
• brie's black look

to be continued...

struggle.
it has been a dark few months. dark with flashes of light. because god is good and because no matter how dark things get—and they have gotten rather dark at moments—i can’t help seeing some of the beauties and graces god gives me regularly. but i have been turning away from those moments, back into a landscape of despair and discouragement and self-disgust. i have struggled to do anything worth while. i have woken almost every morning wondering what it is i live for, what reason i have to do what i have to do. if i didn’t have unavoidable obligations, i don’t honestly know where i would be right now. the impulse to run, to hide, to avoid everything, to just go away has been strong. and i have done so in some ways. i have turned my back on so many things that i treasure. on myself and the gifts i have always loved. on my friends and family on occasion. on my education and my goals. on my understanding of the gospel and my relationship with god. faced by the pain that i had come to associate with these things, i simply turned away.

last week i broke. after saying the same things over and over for months, after having lambasted myself as lazy for not changing when i knew what i needed to change, after having felt anger and hatred for myself for not having the strength to take the simple actions i needed to take in order to help myself, i finally realized that i could not do this. this wasn’t a new realization. i’ve been realizing exactly that for a long time. but i have always rejected it. i’ve always adamantly insisted that if only i would get up earlier or work harder or eat better or some combination of the three or any number of other practical solutions, then i would feel better and i would be able to move on. but last week i came face to face with the realization that i. can. not. help. myself.

it was a strange moment. full of grief. and full of grace. it left me weeping at my own inadequacy—past and present. but it also left me turning to god. so bereft of any hope that i could save myself that i was forced to turn to him and put myself into his hands. i had been so full of despair and afraid of life that day that i didn’t even trust myself to do that little—to actually say to god, “i trust thee. please help.” so i sought help in taking even that small step by going to talk to an ecclesiastical leader who is also an old friend.

as we talked and as we turned to the scriptures for insight and guidance, a beautiful thing happened. he kept turning to passages that spoke to me. that summoned up some principle or truth that has long been dear to me, that i have studied. and i felt the threads of my life twine and knit together. abstract lines of thought and study became urgently real in my moment of need. i left that night trusting god as i never have before. since then, my soul has known peace.

i know that things will not be simple. i know that i will still struggle, that i will still have some of the same problems i have had for the last two or three years. but i also know that i now have hope. that life looks beautiful again. that i see opportunities. that i recognize gifts. that i love myself again. and with that knowledge and that outlook—with god’s assurance and care—i can face the struggle.

101 things to do.
so as i was browsing the web (as i am wont to do), i ran across a meme on another blog. the object: identify 101 things i want to do in the next 1001 days. and it seemed like a fun way to identify and do all kinds of things i'd like to do, from simple activities to traveling to accomplishing major goals. i start tomorrow, march 28, 2007, and hope to finish by christmas eve 2009. activities in progress are in italics. activities accomplished are crossed out. and when i write about them, i'll link my entry.

{note: i dated this a year ago so i could link it in my sidebar without it showing up in the body of my blog. it may be an awkward way of accomplishing my goal, but what can i say...i'm only somewhat technologically savvy.}

1. gain a reading ability in spanish; i.e., pass my minor language exam

2. visit a cultural site once a month. some possibilities: the getty, the getty villa, the new moma (NYC), moca (LA), the norton simon, the museum of jurassic technologies, the art institute of chicago, cabazon’s highway dinosaurs, the legion of honor (san francisco), hollyhock house, etc., etc.

• april 2007: the norton simon in pasadena
• may 2007: the greek theatre in griffith park in l.a. i'm looking forward to more trips there and exploring the park much more extensively.
• july 2007: the WACK! feminist art exhibit at the geffen contemporary. a fascinating exhibit. i particularly enjoyed discovering judy chicago's work.
• august 2007: a month that brought plenty of culture. the highlights included trips to falling water (which was so incredible), the hyde collection (a small but wonderful art collection near my sister's house), and (finally) a visit to the isabella stewart gardner museum (where i saw one of my favorite sargents).
• september 2007: an afternoon immersed in poetry. perhaps not the typical cultural experience, but beautiful nonetheless.
• october 2007: oh which one to choose? i think i'll just say the whole weekend of october 26 - 28. great food. great music. great city. great company.
  
• november 2007: seeing wicked with my mom, sister, and two nieces; in l.a. the night before thanksgiving. katiana's first theater experience ever, which she positively loved.
• december 2008: my first ever excursion to see a comedy show of any variety--j(wh)'s sister performing as part of dance magic, dance! in l.a. so fun.
  

3. visit falling water. i suppose i should tell shaun this is on the agenda for my next trip to d.c. update: this is in the works. jeni and i are heading down to see shaun and alice this month and plan a stop at falling waters while en route home. final update: shaun and two of his boys, A and W, and i went to visit falling water in august. so incredible.

4. swim in the ocean. this is a bigger deal than you think, since i *never* actually swim at the beach. brrrrr!

5. climb mt. whitney. hopefully as part of the john muir trail. but maybe all by itself.

6. road trip up the west coast. update 11/07: i made a road trip north through california, but what i mean by this is driving up the coast, not just traveling north through california.

7. pass my PhD qualifying exams. update 1/08: this would be easier if i actually finished building my lists.

8. be able to run three miles without stopping.

9. travel to a foreign country. maybe even more than once. on another continent, if possible.

10. read the bible, book of mormon, doctrine & covenants, and pearl of great price. a challenge, since i tend to study scriptures with a cross-reference approach rather than a read-straight-through approach. (0/4)

11. go to mexico! having lived within three hours of the border most of my life, you’d think i’d have done this by now. i haven’t.

12. pot an herb garden and use it for cooking.

13. save up for a new camera and, once i have it, use it often.

14. write more letters. real letters. that go through the mail.

15. pay off credit card debt. now that is a worthy goal.

16. go to a concert at least once a quarter. and not a classical one. rock. folk. blues. jazz. in other words, work on making up for a long stretch of music oblivion.

• Q1 (april - june 2007): the arcade fire at spreckels theater, san diego. wow. just wow. the arcade fire, take two, at the greek, los angeles.
  
• Q2 (july - september 2007): a beautiful evening taking in band of horses, andrew bird, and the decemberists at the hollywood bowl, los angeles. stephen stills at the house of blues, los angeles. a synaesthetic evening with ryan adams at the wilshire in los angeles.
• Q3 (october - december 2007): the bridge school benefit concert, where i saw neil young, my morning jacket, regina spektor, and tom waits (among others). and regina spektor on halloween.
  

17. go to a classical concert at least once a quarter. disney hall. segerstrom hall. and definitely something outdoors once in a while.

18. write a children’s book. just cause i think it would be interesting to try.

19. de-junk. positively herculean. update 8/07: i dug out my study and my bedroom in advance of 20 family members coming to town to visit. the job isn't done, but i've made a good start. update 1/08: yeah. all the work done in the summer? reversed. and now i need to start again.

20. finish at least three chapters of my dissertation. more if possible. (0/3)

21. present a paper at a conference. more than once.

22. write something every single day. no matter what it is. just something.

23. date someone. (this list of lofty goals needed some comic relief.) update 1/08: i am stunned--delightfully stunned--to report that this is happening.

24. read a book for the sheer pleasure of reading it at least once a quarter. (when you read for a living, you have to plan in pleasure reading.)

25. go for a walk—outside (malls, museums, libraries, and other buildings don’t count)—once a week. (36/145)

26. apply for a job. and hopefully have an interview at MLA set up.

27. learn how to play chess. re-learn backgammon and checkers. (0/3)

28. learn 4 new pieces on the piano. (0/4)

29. finish reading the complete novels of jane austen, the juvenilia, and susan. (i only need to read sense & sensibility to finish the novels.) (0/3)

30. go stargazing. maybe in joshua tree. maybe with shaun again.

31. see the desert in bloom. hopefully one of the next two winters will be wetter than this one has been.

32. try a food i've never eaten before once a month. or one i've always said i disliked. (11/33)

• galia · guava · taro root (with black sticky rice and coconut) · apricots (white ones, to be exact) · corn tortillas (always have said i didn't like them; got enchiladas with corn tortillas last week and loved them; it might help that they were made fresh at the stand where i got them) · tamarind--a bit spicy, a bit sweet · soup dumplings · mushrooms · ramen · kuromame (at least i think that's what they're called; japanese sweet black beans) · pho
  

33. spend an afternoon people watching.

34. hike the north to south lake loop and see the beauty of evolution valley for myself.

35. hike at least one new trail each summer. (0/3)

36. shave my head. i've been saying for a long time i want to do it. maybe to celebrate passing exams? or maybe just for the hell of it sometime.

37. kayak on the bay.

38. go to the beach once a month. i love the ocean (though i don't particularly love swimming in it or sunbathing on the beach), but i rarely go to the beach. time to take advantage of being so close. (2/33)

39. watch the godfather. probably the whole series, though i'm aware that the third one is supposed to not be so great. and it's my best friend's favorite movie, so it's about time i watched it.

40. take a bookbinding class. i have no idea how plausible this is, but i really want to learn how to hand make books.

41. read jesus the christ. it's been on my list for a long time. and my parents bought me a lovely leather bound edition for my birthday last year. time to read.

42. make at least one leper bandage each month. my life is busy and it's hard to find time to do humanitarian service the way i would like to. but i can crochet while watching tv or movies, and i will watch tv and movies. (2/33)

43. lose a few pounds. at least ten. maybe 15. not because i think i'm fat. my body is fine. but half my clothes don't fit and i can't afford to buy new ones. so lose weight it is. i wonder if there's a cheese, bread, and fruit diet...

44. read the constitution, complete with all amendments. i've read bits of it, but never the whole thing.

45. donate blood. for some reason i've never done this. i don't even know my blood type.

46. learn my blood type.

47. read shakespeare. not all of it, cause i won't have that kind of reading time on my hands what with exams and all. but some. my shakespearean ignorance is kind of embarrassing (though i usually laugh at it).

48. go christmas caroling. every year i want to do this, and i never do. if you're interested, let me know. update 12/07: i didn't go caroling this year, but i did go to a christmas party that was all about singing carols.

49. participate in hearts and hands. i really should take advantage of service opportunities when they're given me.

50. read 365 ways to change the world. do what i can based on its ideas. or based on the accompanying website.

51. listen to a completely new band at least once a week (and trust me--my ignorance and seymour's tutelage make this possible; and to define completely new: meaning a band i've never consciously listened to, even if i've heard their stuff on the radio or something). (10/145)

• the who · architecture in helsinki · a band of bees · band of horses · bjork · peter, bjorn & john · solomon burke · feist · a girl called eddy · electrelane
  

52. write a "this i believe" essay and submit it to NPR's series.

53. run a 5K for charity.

54. try that fabulous pizza place RAF has recommended.

55. go parasailing. i've always thought it sounds fun. though i'll say up front that if cost is prohibitive, this one's going to be struck from the list.

56. attend the los angeles times festival of books. April 28, 2007

57. extend a micro-loan (or multiple loans) through kiva or some similar organization.

58. take measures to preserve my sanity through the upcoming 2008 presidential campaign; i.e., get cable tv so i can watch the daily show. {mid-may 2007. i didn't get cable, but my brother did. complete with dvr or tivo or whatever so i can record my shows. i'm in love with john stewart. and i'm finally enjoying house.}

59. wash my car. {april 16, 07; of course i really should do it more than once.} laugh all you want, but if you could see my car you'd realize that i don't get around to this very often. and which leads me to...

60. clean out my trunk. what a disaster! of course, one never knows when one will need a guide to the university's study abroad opportunities or a comprehensive anthology of literary criticism...

61. go to the austin city limits festival. their line up this year is incredible. i'd love to go this year, but i'm not sure i'll be able to swing it. we'll have to see.

62. go to a cinespia screening at the hollywood forever cemetery. i've been wanting to do this ever since a former roommate told me about it. films projected on the side of the mausoleum. they tried to show night of the living dead there a few years ago, but the cemetery clientele objected. well, their living relatives did anyway...

63. visit san luis obispo. i keep hearing how gorgeous it is. and i've heard there's a fantastic bookstore there. i obviously need to go. plus nicole and i have been wanting to take another jaunt up the coast. it's time. update 11/07: i made a detour to SLO on my recent roadtrip, but it doesn't quite count.

64. take a roadtrip without a destination. just get on the road and drive. until i see something that makes me want to stop.

65. see wilco in concert. before the end of the summer. that means either going to austin city limits or arranging my summer travels so i can be back in l.a. for their show at the greek on august 29. update: i managed to get tickets for the august show at the greek, which determined my summer travel schedule. i'm counting down the days... update 9/07: saw wilco at the greek. incredible.

continued january 2008

66. improve my swing dancing, something i only started doing a month ago (november 2007) and i'd like to be a whole lot more confident.

67. see big sur. i've been wanting to for years. time to do it.

68. finally visit the museum of jurassic technology. i keep making half-hearted plans to do it, but i haven't managed it yet.

69. move into my own place again. it's been good to be at home. but it's time to be on my own again.

70. go biking at least three times a week. work my way up to the long rides my dad and j(wh) do. maybe even a century ride--have to see how much i fall in love with it.

71. participate in a political protest. maybe on the 5th anniversary of the war this march.

{to be continued}

toothache.
i'm feeling alone tonight. maybe it's sitting in a cafe with my headphones on, seeing people together while i'm locked into my insular mode of work and music drowning out the sounds of the life around me. maybe it's that my teeth hurt because i desperately need to go to the dentist and that reminds me of russel banks' book Affliction in which the protagonist experiences a toothache that gets worse and worse as his life falls into ruin, culminating in a scene in which he wrenches the tooth from his jaw with pliers immediately before his sanity snaps altogether. i can't see the movie just because of that scene. maybe it's that i have so much work to do, and all of that work always reminds me of the fact that i'm working for nothing because i don't count as something myself--i only count as something if i'm embedded in family and i'm not.

so i ply myself with mindless diversions. not working. not thinking. not connecting. all the while presenting a mask of happiness good enough to deceive almost anyone.

i need a moment of grace. a seagull flying low down high street and hanging a left onto congress.

happy.
some simple (and sometimes silly) things that make me happy:

• rain dripping on the metal rain gutter just below my window
• hot chocolate and a book on a cold, blowsy afternoon
• the way the cap screws on so cleanly on a new tube of toothpaste
• clothes folded perfectly and arranged in a rainbow of colors
• the ruby gleam of a hummingbird's neck in the sunshine
• cut daffodils opening in a vase
• new growth on roses
• a single albino poppy plant in the middle of a field of golden yellow
• email from a friend just asking how i am

to be continued...

falling with style.
this round of grad school has been an exercise in sheer determination in the face of what always seem like utterly insurmountable odds. i find myself fighting constantly for breath; trying to scrape together enough thoughts on a similar topic to call it a paper or a presentation. fighting my conviction that i don't have what it takes. battling all the cognitive dissonance i experience with some regularity as a result of my bizarre mental-emotional constellation of feminism, mormonism, intellectualism, and the never-absent need for marriage. i invariably end up a crying mess at more than one moment each quarter. and then i think that i just can't do it and i don't know why i ever tried and i should quit. but i keep coming back. either i am a masochist or i am really driven. when i'm enjoying my studies as much as i have been recently, i know i'm doing it because i love the thinking and the teaching and the exploring ideas. i love seeing my students work through ideas and i love thinking new things because of what they said. but when i'm stressed to the breaking point and i'm lonely and i realize that there is no way humanly possible to complete all my work, i collapse into a weepy mess--something that happens unfortunately often in front of other people.

regardless of my mental state, school seems like an exercise in survival. i've begun to reach a point where i realize that this is just the way it is and that it means nothing about my own abilities. grad school just kind of stinks, to put it oh-so-eloquently. today as i walked home from teaching a lesson which mercifully went well, given the fact that i hadn't really thought about it until immediately before teaching it, i called my little sister to say hi. and as i was explaining to her how my week has been (and it's been hellish), i thought of that scene in toy story where buzz "flies" and woody responds, "that's not flying ... that's falling with style!" it occurred to me that grad school is exactly that. it's not flying. it's falling--with style. taking the jump off some high point and hoping that as you fall you find ideas and thoughts and works and projects that give you enough bounce to make it look like you're flying, even though in reality all you're doing is plummeting down, drawn by the inexorable pull of gravity.

maybe, if i fall with enough style, i'll make it through and even end up with a job some day. here's to being stylish.

read.
i've been meaning to do this for a while. a running series of posts on books that i'm reading or books that i love and think that you (meaning everyone) should read. no time like the present.

A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
i had to read this for a seminar i'm in right now and was pleasantly surprised. it's incredibly engaging from the beginning. and presents a fascinating look at the french revolution. in addition to telling a moving story, it does really interesting things by doubling france and england, paris and london, and two of the male characters. the use of the doubles allows for an interesting commentary on not only the nature of france, but also of england. well worth reading--both for entertainment and for scholarship.

An Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison
this is a beautiful book that functions as both a memoir and a scholarly treatment of manic-depressive disorder. Jamison herself suffers from manic-depressive disorder and is a trained psychiatrist, so her perspective is unique. it's a compelling look at mental illness.

Black Zodiac, Charles Wright
a lovely collection of poetry by one of my favorite poets. wright manages to capture stories in his poetry without ever presenting narratives. his representations of place are pristine and striking. he also does interesting things with the form of his poetry. he's a poet i return to often.

and you thought you knew me...
i got this from dora and while i don't always do these things, her very first answer made me laugh hard enough that i decided i owed her. with no further ado...

four jobs i've had in my life
sticker-putter-onner for a make-up company
secretary x3
events planner, designer, marketing, editor, stepper-up-to-the plate
warper of young, impressionable minds (teacher)

four movies i can watch over and over
a room with a view (make me melt, george)
dirty rotten scoundrels
emma (i'm in love with Mr. Knightley)
13 conversations about one thing (leaves me wondering every time)

four places i have lived
palace court (study abroad in london)
hooville (or charlottesville to the uninitiated; america's eden)
beantown (boston)
a bubble (provo)

four tv shows i love to watch
law & order (of any stripe)
arrested development (curse fox!)
the office (a newly acquired taste)
the daily show/the colbert report

four places i have been on vacation
the hiltons (not the hotels; the lakes--in the high sierras)
charleston, sc
paris (france, not idaho)
new york city (a regular destination of mine)

four of my favorite dishes
chicken saag (indian)
chicken mango curry (thai)
sweet sticky rice (thai)
steak & potatoes with a side of asparagus (at sullivan's)

four websites i visit daily besides blogs
google.com
uci.edu
ldslinkup.com
wikipedia.org

four places i would rather be right now
wandering through new york city
deep in conversation with a friend
entranced by a stage production of one of my favorite plays
with my sisters and mom; location doesn't really matter

four bloggers i am tagging
brookewill
and that's it, cause all my friends are also all the bloggers i know and they've been tagged.

windy.
so very windy that last night our house shook with each gust and the palm trees shed fronds which thumped onto our roof and the glass rattled in the windows. this morning i woke to a beautiful, freshly clean world of dream-blue skies and green green trees arching and swaying.

i love the winds. more than any other gift the world gives me. even more than rain, and that's saying a lot. i love the feel of the wind against my skin. like a kiss from God. i love the way they make the trees speak. whispering secrets or even shreaking pain. they make clouds scud across the sky. or they leave the sky radiantly crystal clear. the make me remember that there are mountains in southern California--beautiful mountains with snow on their peaks.

i lean into them as i walk and fight with my skirt as they whip it around my legs and they are, for me, an insistent reminder of God's grace.

charity: a reflection in three parts.


christmas. at some point just before christmas, my mom told me that my dad had invited two women from their ward to join us for christmas eve. my immediate response was to be peeved. i like my holidays quiet. i don't want to entertain a bunch of people and feel obliged to talk to them if i don't feel like it. i hate small talk with strangers. i don't like trying to find something i have in common with them to talk about. and i made it known to my mom that i wished we could just have a quiet holiday.

but my dad had already made the invitation. and one of the women had agreed. and the other one called on christmas eve to tell us she was rearranging other plans so she could come and be with us. needless to say, i was not pleased.

but once something can't be changed i'm not one to be all snotty about it. so i set to work and helped my mom prepare all kinds of food and set the table pretty and fold the napkins like lotus flowers. and the two women came and one of them was a bit dour and the other one was a bit effervescent. and i was a bit sulky.

until i stopped worrying about how they were ruining my christmas and instead let myself realize how happy they were to be with us. these two beautiful women who didn't have families to be with that night. rather than having a christmas eve i had to suffer through, i ended up enjoying myself and the laughter these two women brought with them into our home.


resolution. i don't often make new year's resolutions. i'm not very good at keeping them. but this year i have made one. i am something of a thinker. and i have been trained by my graduate programs to think by taking other people's thoughts apart. breaking ideas down into component parts to see if they work. what results often sounds negative. because it leads me to point out the ways in which another person's work is inadequate or wrong. this is in part a necessary evil. to make one's way in the world of academia, it's vital to find an opening. some niche that you can make your own. and that can only happen when you show that everyone else has failed to see things your way (which is, of course, the correct way).

but i don't like the fact that this response leaves others feeling like i'm always trying to show them how their thoughts are lacking, how they are weak. it makes it sound like i'm condescending and i don't like being condescending.

i still want to think critically. and i still want to recognize the ways in which an idea may not be sufficient. but i want to read more generously. i want to go with someone in their thoughts and their argument, try to understand it. find the ways in which their thoughts fit with mine, areas where they overlap, places at which there is a gap between them. and try to adjust my own thinking to incorporate the good of theirs while maintaining the good of mine. it is time for more intellectual charity in my life.


god & i. i have been thinking lately about how i have dealt with the fact that i am not where i think i should be. i think i should be married. with a baby. or maybe even two. of course, that's fairly irrational given that i've never even had a legitimate opportunity to marry (i don't count the time a guy i knew showed up at my house and told me god wanted me to marry him as legitimate). but i still haven't let the irrationality of my expectation prevent me from being angry at god for not giving me what i think i deserve. i have tried not to be angry. because i'm pretty sure getting angry at god doesn't accomplish a whole lot. at least nothing positive. it has certainly worked to undermine my happiness.

a couple of weeks ago i was talking to a friend about this issue. not about my anger. more about the fact that i have essentially reached the conclusion that i will most likely never marry. and i got a little weepy (as i'm prone to do). he looked at me and asked me if my being married is a good thing. the answer seemed so obvious that i looked at him funny and then answered yes. his reply was simple: then pray for it. because we have been told that when we ask god in faith for something which is good, he will give it to us.

i wasn't convinced it was that easy and left the conversation a bit skeptical. but i've been thinking about it. about this idea that if we exercise faith and ask god for good things, he will give them to us. that our faith truly is a tool that we can use to bring about good in the world. and i've thought about how i have responded to this particular problem in my life. i certainly have not responded with faith. i have responded with anger and anguish. and with fear. but not with much faith. and it occurs to me that i have not been charitable to god. i have not loved him and believed in his goodness--not where i am concerned. it is time for a more simple faith. trust that god does love me and will provide for me. a more pure love of god--not for what i think he can do for me (that love transforming to anger when he doesn't deliver), but for his essential goodness and mercy and love.