pick-up.

today i got down.  and that made it hard to work.  and i can't afford to have another day like that tomorrow.  so i'm going to make a list of good things and when i start to get down tomorrow, i'll come read it.  so in no particular order, here are a few things that make my life lovely:

• little birds hopping happily in the bushes outside the window
• good news about a friend's progress in a particularly tough class
• talking to my sweet little niece  on the phone today
• hearing another sweet little niece coo (this one's only 2 1/2 months old)
• cool enough weather to justify wearing a cozy sweater when i went out tonight
• my mama telling me she loves me
• talking with the dean about the progress i'm making in my program
• making plans for a visit to the beautiful huntington gardens 
• dark, delicious sipping chocolate at my favorite cafe 
• the smell of rain and fresh cut grass when i stepped out the door tonight

and these little things are enough to pick me up.  g'night.

happiness.

so yesterday was my birthday.  and i cannot say how glad i am to put a close to the last year--to heartbreak and major depression and everything that comes with it.  i've been thinking back over the year and have to admit that i don't have many more answers now to the questions i was asking then, but i am much happier. and it is good to be happy.  so here are a few things that make me happy:

• thai nakorn.  i just can't get enough.  and, happily, they have reopened their original location.
• a day at disneyland with a friend.  for free!  
• a birthday shopping spree at anthropologie.  that store is pure evil...
• a beautiful new niece who i can't wait to meet at christmastime.
• four rambunctious, mischievous nephews and an evening at chuck e. cheese's.
• making progress on my school work.
• seeing a copy of homer's iliad in the front seat of a slightly beat up full size pick-up.
• wonderful food and conversation with friends--not only at our birthday dinner, but often.
• a beautiful, cozy new scarf to take with me on my winter trip to new york.
• my good friend george's happiness in her new relationship.
• spending time with my beautiful little nieces, my little sister, and her wonderful husband.
• evenings out with my siblings and their spouses and our parents.

in short, life has made me happy.  and that in spite of the fact that not everything is peachy keen.  and i like being happy.

perfection.

here's a recipe for a perfectly lovely summer evening:

• picnicking in the lovely palm garden of the huntington library and gardens 
• antipasto followed by stuffed grape leaves
• an amazing salad of arugula, delicious heirloom tomatoes, full cream mozzarella cheese all drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with salt and pepper
• munching on brownie, tart tatin, and fruit tart
• music filtering through the trees
• children dancing to the music 
• sampling original recipe, made-with-cane-sugar dr. pepper---slightly fruitier and less carbonated than the typical stuff
• wonderful conversation with doctor dean and doctor doctor
• visiting the american art collection to see paintings by my favorite portraitist 

that, my friends, is just about the most perfect evening possible.

overflowing.

being with j(wh) makes me feel like this:

can you blame me for wanting to be with him every minute i can?

ideas.

another reason j(wh) is so wonderful: he makes me put my hands in my hair.

a bit of explanation: when i was an undergrad, i would get myself into long, provocative conversations with friends. and as i got more and more excited by the ideas we were talking about, i'd run my hands through my hair, giving myself a lovely puffy halo of hair. during the last several years, one of the effects of depression has been losing my interest in ideas. i've very rarely found myself impassioned by a discussion with friends. and i've mourned that loss of intellectual excitement. i can't remember the last time i got excited enough to muss my own hair (i'm a little obsessive about it not being fluffed up--i hate fluffy hair).

well, a couple of weeks ago as j(wh) and i were reading the botany of desire together, stopping occasionally to follow tangential trains of thought generated by the book, i found myself with my fingers buried in my hair, excited about ideas. and while that was the first time i noticed my old habit of messing with my hair when discussing fascinating ideas, j(wh) has always lured me into long, interesting conversations. it was sitting in a parking garage for three hours talking about various and sundry things at the end of our first date that made me know i wanted to go out with him again.

and that is one of many reasons he's so wonderful.

bliss.

the makings of a perfect evening:

a walk in the park, holding j(wh)'s hand, contemplating waterfowl, and luxuriating in the beauty of a spring evening.

random errand running which results in buying cheap gas (relatively speaking, of course) and superyummy soft peanutbutter cookies from costco, of which i promptly ate two. because i get cranky when i'm hungry.

wandering through the fullerton market, perusing vendor stalls, inspecting produce and fresh flowers, conversing with strangers, and laughing at little dogs in sweaters.

chatting with a produce vendor about dancing.

eating delicious roasted sweet white corn slathered in butter and sprinkled with garlic pepper salt.

sampling garlic basil hummus and whole wheat pita bread.

discovering vegetable ivory jewelry, made from the tagua nut grown on palms in the south american rainforest. so beautiful. i indulged and bought myself a funky yellow pendant.

dancing to the music of the blues band playing live.

going back past the dancing vendor's produce stand to buy a bag of strawberries and another of snow peas, which he sold us for $1 each since he was packing up for the night.

feasting on hummus, pita, snow peas, and strawberries while reading michael pollan's the botany of desire (a must read; so fascinating) out loud.

sharing it all with j(wh).

party!

a couple weeks ago at atomic, i overheard a friend commenting about her upcoming 80s birthday party and didn't think much of it until j(wh) mentioned we'd been invited. so it sat on a backburner in my mind as i graded papers and put up with back pain (yuck!) until the night before the party when, again chatting with friends at atomic, it came out that they were all dressing up for the 80s party. K mentioned molly ringwald, which got the wheels turning in my head. i've been told more than once that i look like her, so i thought it would be fun to play that up. here's what my molly-focused brain cooked up:

a green straw hat which i bought about 12 years ago and which i still have kicking around my wardrobe.

to which i added some bright pink and white silk flowers and a pale green ribbon i picked up for $5 at joann's.

bright pink and purple double-disk earrings found amidst the retro accessories target's selling these days.

my little brother's white, long-sleeved dress shirt, which is (of course) way too big for me.

a bright pink, wide elastic belt, also kicking around my wardrobe for the last however many years.

a green cotton double skirt with big bucket pockets and eyelet on the underskirt.

incredibly bright pink fishnet stockings i found on clearance in portland, oregon about three years ago.

clear plastic shoes i found on a sales rack at t.j. maxx and picked up just for a purpose like this.

and let me tell you--add up those elements, and you'll channel molly ringwald circa pretty in pink perfectly. take a look for yourself:


so i threw together my hat, donned my duds, applied my face (a truly special occasion--i actually wore make-up), and headed off to a local japanese market where i was meeting j(wh) for a bite to eat before heading to his place and from there the party. i naturally got a few looks on the way in. all the effort was worth it when i caught sight of j(wh) and our friend T. j(wh) was expecting me dressed up, but he was still surprised. and T--T didn't even recognize me.

after a dash up the freeway and j(wh) cleaning up, we headed off to the party where our friends greeted me with laughter and praise for the outfit. and i thought that was it. the party was tons of fun. great food. L (birthday girl) and a few friends dancing ballroom to some classic 80s tunes. lots of dancing (not the best idea in the clear vinyl + fishnets combo), including a soul train line. but i thought the fun of seeing each other in costume was the sole purpose for dressing up.

much to my surprise there was a contest. and to my even bigger surprise, the prize was two tickets to the police (and elvis costello) concert in may. so i was excited to be one of the three finalists called to the stage, but a bit apprehensive when it was audience choice who would win. but i was having fun that night and decided, what the hell--may as well ham it up. so when the emcee asked for applause for 'molly,' i pulled the pose in that picture and blew the audience a kiss. and when it was narrowed down to our friend F (who came dressed as flavor flav, complete with an enormous clock hanging around his neck) and me, i kissed him on the cheek. and blew more kisses to the audience before L and her two friends picked me as the winner.

so much fun! it's been ages since i had such a good time at a party. well, maybe not ages, but at least since new year's. i shouldn't be surprised. life's been much more fun with j(wh) at my side. can you see why?

celebrate!

my new year's eve usually goes like this:

• help make lots of finger food.
  
• play games with family.
  
• help eat lots of finger food.
  
• make some half-hearted noise at midnight.
  
• go to bed shortly thereafter.
  

sometimes they're not even that exuberant--i've been known to go to bed well before midnight. new year's just seems like a holiday to be celebrated with others. for years, i haven't had friends around with whom to go dancing or to a party--not since my high school best friend got married when i was 21. and my family aren't so much party people. or dancing people. and, to be totally honest, i never have anyone to kiss at midnight, which bothers me way more than it should.

this year the pajamas came out early, but not for early bedtime. they were the attire of choice for atomic ballroom's new year's eve pajama jammie jam. so, after ramen (yummy) and wandering around isamu noguchi's california experience, j(wh) and i headed to atomic to change into jammies and dance the night away. when i told my mama that the party was a pajama party, she was duly horrified. she seemed to think it would be okay if it were just girls, but... Apparently men and women aren't supposed to see each other in pajamas. so i figured i needed photographic evidence of The Great Pajama Scandal of 2007 (i needed some scandal of the year; good thing atomic stepped up and provided a last-minute opportunity).

the good people at atomic do know how to throw a party. big screen video gaming for those needing a break from dancing (not something i was interested in, but i suppose some people appreciated it). brightly colored helium balloons. streamers, party hats, and noisemakers. a breakfast buffet spread out not only on the table, but also hanging overhead (little boxes of cereal hung from the ceiling). an 11:00 midnight-in-arizona toast toast (in other words a toast made with toast). and of course great music and lots of dancing.

i spent most of the night dancing. everyone at atomic is so nice--especially for putting up with me and my beginner efforts at dancing. it helps so much to dance with leads who know what they're doing. if only i could follow better... someday.

of course we took a break from dancing at midnight to ring in the new year with streamers and noisemakers and a sparkling cider toast. so much fun to be part of a group welcoming a new year. and of course so much fun to be there with j(wh). and i was right--new year's is much better with someone to kiss.

it's hard to pick a highlight of the night. but if i had to choose, i think i'd say it was the food i shared with j(wh). we bypassed the cookie cereal and just put oreo cookies in a bowl and poured milk over them, let them get good and soggy, and ate them with a spoon. yummy! yet more evidence that j(wh) is a man after my own heart. and i'm pretty sure the milk-soaked oreos are responsible for his beautiful arms. either that or the quaker oats.

happy.
more simple (and small) things that make me happy:

• discovering that when my 2-year-old niece B plays wii and sees my mii, she repeats my name: 'amy, amy'
• waking up smiling
• long meandering conversations with a friend
• my nieces wearing the hats and scarves i made them for christmas (in july)
• walking into my favorite thai restaurant on a busy saturday night and being greeted as a friend by all the servers i know
• knowing that saturday will bring family for a week-long thanksgiving visit--yay!
• 'lively discussions' and 'fun exchanges'
• fall in california--it feels a lot like summer, but it's different in little subtle ways
• the anticipation of pumpkin pie and homemade rolls
• having B tell me all about her snack and playing wii and her halloween costume on the phone; hearing her say 'i love you'
  
• dates that involve wandering through bookstores
• squeezing snapdragons so they snap

to be continued...

experienced.
i think it's time to reinstate posts about recent discoveries. because there have been so many good ones lately. i'd list a bunch of the stuff i discovered in the bay area when i was up there, but i've already done that. so instead, this edition is dedicated to

film.

• the darjeeling limited. which i've actually seen twice now. an absolutely stunning film visually, full of vibrant colors and gorgeously shot. and funny. in many ways it's more understated than wes anderson's other movies. but that simply underscores its humor. it also draws attention to its realism, in spite of the absurdity of so much of its content. and, in true wes anderson style, it juxtaposes life and death, exuberance and tragedy, beautifully. and then there's the fact that i have crushes on both owen wilson and adrien brody. and who knew that adrien brody could be funny?
  
• dan in real life. i love steve carrell, so that was all the incentive i needed to see this. and juliette binoche? she's wonderful. it was entertaining. not a great film. it's a romantic comedy and it has the problems so many romantic comedies have (implausible premises; too-fast falling in love). but it made me laugh. and that's really all i ask of my romantic comedies. that and a romance that makes me want to fall in love.
• the jane austen book club. another romantic comedy, this time for austen-lovers. i read the book a few years ago and enjoyed it (though it's entirely entertainment reading; nothing serious--not even as serious as bridget jones's diary). the film was about the same--mostly fun, even if it lagged at moments. i do think it failed to translate some of the austen parallels the book made, which is too bad. but if you're an austen fan, it's worth seeing.
• lars and the real girl. saw this one last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. lars is delusional and his family and friends go out of their way to turn his delusion into reality in an effort to help him. it had so much potential to become simply absurd, but the quality of the acting and the matter-of-fact presentation instead made it heartwarmingly funny. if you get a chance, see it; and don't read a plot summary before you do. just go. let yourself be surprised.

non-film. just because these two are too good not to list.

• tamarind. which i ate for the first time today at thai nakorn. they served it up slightly sweetened, slightly salted, and spiced with chili powder of some sort. it was delicious.
• public displays. as in public displays of affection. after the movie. who would have thought people made out under bright lights in the middle of a parking lot? i must admit that, given how chilly it was last night, it would be a good way to stay warm. and there's something a bit romantic about kissing out in the open...
  

so i've been trying to think of a word. one word to describe how i felt five minutes into the T ride into boston two weeks ago. lust occurred to me, but while lust captures the strong desire of the feeling, it's too superficial. maybe need. because there are things missing in my life that i think i could find there. which also made me think of longing. but even that doesn't really capture the comfort of the feeling. which takes me to

belonging. because all it took was sitting on the T, riding towards the city, to feel right. like i was back in a place that fit. the funny thing is that i didn't live there long--less than a year. and i wasn't happy for two-thirds of the time i was there. but even when i was unhappy, boston felt good. like a home waiting for me to build it. a place that spoke to me and where i could exist without fighting to find myself.

someday i hope one of the many colleges and universities there will have a job for me. and then i'll move back and live just far enough from work that i have to ride the T. so i can start my day with a brisk walk and half an hour of reading. and i'll walk to 90% of my destinations. and my world will be full of history and trees without having to search them out. and while i know that a place can't guarantee happiness, i also know that being somewhere that fits can make building happiness a little bit easier.

thanks to my sister for making a six-hour roundtrip drive in a day so i could get a little taste of boston.

friday.
the makings of a lovely day.

• a traffic-free freeway making the trip to LAX a breeze
• discovering a new bakery in westwood
• at which i ate a yummy chicken pesto sandwich with fresh mozarella
• the humanity shining in the face of the homeless man we met in line at diddy riese
• overcoming my usual awkwardness when conversing with a homeless person to joke with him about calling me joan of arc
• munching on a scrumptious ice cream sandwich while walking down sunny l.a. streets
• easy conversation with a friend
• realizing how well i know my 20th century literary history and criticism
• rediscovering the exhilaration of playing beethoven's pathetique
• a new ryan adams album to accompany room cleaning
• sweaters stacked neatly in place
• anticipating a movie with friends
  

wordless.

wednesday.

smile.
just because seeing little b. smiling on her first theme park adventure makes me smile. what a sweetheart.

i do love all my babies.

wii.
i have been initiated into the wonderful world of wii. and i'm totally hooked. it's ridiculous. it's made my arm sore. it's made me laugh so hard i nearly fell over. it's given me two hours of high entertainment with my brother and his girlfriend.

and i haven't even given anyone a black eye with the controller yet.

we're hatching plans to get our mom and dad in on the action. now that should prove thoroughly hilarious.

{addendum: i'm sitting in the family room working on my computer; my brother and his girlfriend are in his room playing wii tennis. and i just heard my brother's girlfriend, in a slightly panicky-concerned voice, say: 'oh--sorry!' it really is only a matter of time until the wii produces stories of bodily injury...}

happy.
just a taste of my sunday.

• leading the music in sacrament. which means i get to set the tempo (no hymns masquerading as funeral dirges).
• being told by a woman i would never have suspected of knowing the film pretty in pink (simply not in her generation) that i'm cute and remind her of that darling molly ringwald and the way she dressed in the film. {aside: this is not the first time i've been told i look like molly ringwald. in fact, i've heard it quite a lot--sometimes even overheard perfect strangers making the comment.}
• homemade meatloaf with mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner after a day fasting. delicious.
• a hot dry wind leaving the sky beautifully clear for a gorgeous twilight.
• making a thick, creamy chocolate milkshake to share with my parents and brother.
  
• looking at the forecast and discovering it will be hot enough to wear skirts for the next several days. which makes me strangely hungry for summer with nights so warm that i leave my blinds and window wide open with the fan on to increase air circulation and sleep under nothing but a sheet. i love those nights.
• a yard full of birds and roses. positively delightful.

it's been a lovely sabbath.

satisfied.
a few discoveries and experiences that have left me feeling happy.

decadent.

• delicious. it's official: thai nakorn is back. and it's as wonderful as ever. after not having had the absolute perfection of beef panang curry and barbequed catfish, among many other delicious options, for nearly five months, it was heaven to partake again. if you like thai (and you should; if you don't there's something wrong with you), you need to get yourself to the new location. 11951 beach boulevard in stanton (at the intersection of chapman and beach). go. indulge. and give your support to this fantastic restaurant run by some of the nicest people i've met. you won't regret it.
• christian constant. RAF just returned from a whirlwind trip to paris and london. and wonderfully thoughtful man that he is, he returned with a stash of christian constant chocolate for me. four perfect bars of dark chocolate, each with its own distinct flavor based on where the cacao beans were grown. and this time a box of truffles with fillings infused with flowers including tuberoses, frangipani flowers, tahitian vanilla flowers, and more. i'm salivating thinking about them but i need the thai-fullness to wear off.
• macarons. as if the christian constant weren't enough, RAF also brought a selection of macarons from laduree, the home of the 'new' macaron which sandwiches flavored garnishes between two traditional macarons. i can't wait to sample these beautiful little pastries.

stories.

• vampires and demons. i've been re-reading dracula this week, as i'm teaching it in my lit class this quarter. and i'm remembering just how fun this book is. it's totally unpredictable in spite of the cultural capital it carries in our society. even having read it before, i'm still surprised by its twists and turns. it will keep you turning pages. it's a fascinating glimpse into the world of the victorian fin-de-siecle--a world of high speed transportation, fabulous new inventions, and crumbling social mores. and it's a compelling examination of the way humans define themselves by establishing, and attempting to police, nebulous borders which are always subject to violation.
  
• jekyll & hyde. another literary classic that's become such a commonplace in our cultural language that many never bother to check out the original. a quick and entertaining read, the strange case of dr. jekyll & mr. hyde remains startlingly current in spite of its rather far-fetched science. in the fraught cultural atmosphere resulting from last week's tragedy at virginia tech, jekyll & hyde gave my students and me an opportunity to examine the ways we demonize those who commit atrocities in an effort to understand the inexplicable and to reassure ourselves that we could never commit such acts ourselves.
  

springtime.
roses are, for me, home. when i was very small, our backyard was overgrown. the side yard was a positive jungle of weeds and tall grass and ivy. we had an enormous rubber tree that dropped leaves everywhere. and my mama grew vegetables in pots. i remember eating peas in the pod fresh off the plant. but the thing i remember most is the roses. frequently my dad would give my mom a rose bush for a birthday or an anniversary. and i started learning their names even when i was small.

when i was in grade school, i loved to take a rose to my teacher. i'd ask my mom in the morning before school. and sometimes life was hectic and she was busy and the answer was no. but sometimes the answer was yes, and i was given a pair of clippers to cut the perfect blossom. and my mom would wrap the stem in wet paper towel and then in tin foil and i would carefully, and proudly, carry it to school.

eventually we re-landscaped the yard and it was no longer a jungle. but there were still roses. always roses--both inside and outside the house. it wasn't unusual for my dad to send my mom flowers. for special occasions they were usually roses (but not often red ones; they're kind of dull). but the ones i liked the very best in the house were the ones mama cut in the garden. a little bit of beauty she had planted and cultivated and brought in to share.

when i went away to school, the roses were one of the things i looked forward to most when it was time to come home (other than family, of course). i'd come home just about this time of year--maybe a week later. and the roses would be in the middle of their first spring time blooming. big beautiful blossoms of all colors. air full of heady scent.

i have my favorites of course. i love joseph's coat for it's crazy sprawl and it's gorgeous orange and yellow coloring. betty boop develops from brilliant yellow and pink, to white and red. intrigue smells sultry, with a twist of citrus. plus it's a beautiful plum purple. double delight begins with pure white petals at its heart surrounded by brilliant pink-scarlet. as it ages, its center petals change from white to red. one day, i went out mid-afternoon to visit the roses (and that's the correct description for what i do when i go to see the roses) and found the most perfect double delight with its pure white center. i went out later that same day, at the end of twilight, and that same bloom's heart had changed. it made me want to spend hours watching, just to see how the change happens. in the spring, the blooms on first prize are often as big as a salad plate. and fame gives me an almost constant abuandance of fluttery red blossoms.

when i moved back to southern california to go to school, my mom took me to the nursery and bought me some roses of my own. i loved coming home from a busy day of school and work to discover my mini roses blooming on my porch. and they managed to survive even my worst neglect (they're surprisingly hardy plants, roses). i still have my mini rose garden. my mom has turned them into habitat for one of her garden fairies.

nothing gives me peace quite like the roses. i walk into the yard to visit them and all of the worries and stress simply disappear.

i thought i'd share their beauty. wish you could be here to see them for yourself.

{the roses, top to bottom: betty boop, joseph's coat, just joey, duet, golden showers, joseph's coat, double delight, 4th of july}

surprises.
here are a few of the beautiful things this week has brought me:

i love green flowers. when i was at virginia, i would often visit jefferson's gardens when i needed a little stress relief or just a quiet place to sit and soak up some beauty. in one of the gardens, all of the flowers are green. there's something magical about green flowers, something a bit mysterious. last week, RAF sent me home with these gorgeous green orchids that were growing rampantly in his yard in the shade of the most beautiful avocado trees i've seen.

my sisters helped provide some spots of beauty this week, too. they each sent a package. just something small. but i love getting packages in the mail, even when i know what's in them. and they sent lovely cards which made me miss them and wish i could live close to them, but which also made me happy that my sisters are my best friends. i don't know what i'd do without them, and i hope they know that.

and every day this week, i've left home and seen all of the new growth on my mom and dad's roses. i love that new growth on roses is red, as it is on some deciduous trees. it's almost counterintuitive to look at springtime plants and see the same shades of red that mark the coming of fall at the end of the year. and all of that red new growth on the roses promises abundant color and heady fragrance for the weeks and months ahead.

spring is almost here and the world is beautiful.

weekend.

• 1 BBC production of a favorite piece of classical literature (in this instance, the new jane eyre).
• karma sufficient to find parking AND fritters
• a plate of chilaquiles topped with fried egg and black beans and accompanied by watermelon agua fresca
• a quiet afternoon of reading in comfort
• delicious handmade flour tortillas served warm
  
• homemade morning chocolat chaud with toasted challah for dipping
• avocados, orchids, and sunshine in a beautiful yard
• a visit to an abundantly stocked independent bookstore
• exploring a significant portion of the l.a. basin
• cajun--gumbo, hushpuppies, blackened catfish; superyum
  
• coconut macadamia nut fudge ice cream cone
• a walk down a pier at sunset over a glimmering twilight ocean
  
• all accompanied by laughter and conversation in good company

it was perfect. after a weekend like that, monday is more than manageable and i feel like i can do most anything.