found.
more treasures.

indulge.

• chocolate. there are many reasons randi is my best friend. this week, she confirmed several of them by sending me a box of assorted chocolates from l'artisan du chocolate, a london-based chocolatier. a small box full of twenty assorted chocolates. some pure chocolate ganaches made from cocao beans grown in different areas of the world. some ganaches infused with spices, herbs, flowers, or fruites. all delicious. if you like chocolate, really like chocolate, you should indulge sometime.

salad.

• chicken. i'm not a big one for chicken salad. never have been. but about four years ago, my two sisters, my mom and i went on our first girl trip--a driving tour of new england. we spent a night in portsmouth, new hampshire, before driving up the coast into main. in portsmouth, we discovered a little deli called bell pepper at which we found a chicken gorgonzola salad. it was so good that as we drove back south to boston, we pulled off the road in portsmouth to stop and buy it again. chicken, penne pasta, gorgonzola, celery, walnuts, red grapes, onion (red or green), and a blue cheesy dressing. it's delicious. my mama made it this week (we improvise based on the list of ingredients the guy gave us when we bought it the second time) and i rediscovered exactly how lovely it is.

listen.

• haley bonar. i downloaded her album "...the size of planets" and have fallen in love with it. a bit folksy, a bit alternative. gorgeous voice. if you want women singer-songwriters, some others i've recently discovered (although not this week) include nina nastasia, regina spektor, deb talan, ida, hem, and jenny lewis. some of them use male vocals, too, but they're all driven by women. and check out the innocence mission. good stuff that.
• faith. on the radio. NPR to be exact. i've been listening to speaking of faith for a long time. today's program was interesting--an interview with paraplegic matthew sanford who has become an expert yoga instructor and author. all about the mind-body connection. the show takes widely varied approaches to faith and features an impressive group of religious and philosophical personalities. it's worth a listen. on kpcc 89.3 at 4:00 on sunday afternoons.
  

autumn.
i love fall. it's almost a contradiction--plants dying, preparing for the hibernation and lifelessness of winter. but the air is practically sparkling with anticipation and expectation. promises of pure blue skies with fire-orange and gold leaves. or a stormy gray day perfect for curling up with a cup of cocoa and a good book. the happiness of family gatherings replete with mama's pumpkin pie and other yummy goodness. i think i like autumn more than any other season. and this illustration captured some of the magic i find in it.

dream.
i went to fhe. actually, before going, i talked to a friend about what we were doing. she explained how one of the bishopric wives had a child who had discovered mini pigs around their block and we were going to go on a mini pig hunt for fhe. i went, showed up a bit late, and was assigned to a team. they'd already found one mini pig but the girl who had found it got all squeamish and grabbed it too hard so it was injured. plus it was kinda black and looked a bit more like a mouse. so we kept looking, circling the block, checking every crack and crevice and hidden spot. eventually i discovered one--a perfect pink specimen rooting about in a conical bucket on its side. i picked up the bucket and tipped it up so that the pig slid to the point. i reached in and very gently picked up the pig with a napkin. i didn't want to touch it, so i wrapped it in the napkin, being careful to keep its nose and mouth free so it could still breathe, and we headed back to the house. by the time i got there i was worried that the pig's skin was drying out. when we walked in we discovered another team had already arrived with a pink pig. it was submerged in a bowl of water and apparently it had suffered an untimely death, cause they weren't taking it back out of the water. i dunked my mini porker in the water to refresh it and then took it out, spread out the napkin and set the pig on it on top of the table. the conversation turned to a recent date i had gone on with a man who was divorced. the bishopric wives were asking me if i thought there was potential; i indicated there was a little but not strong potential (all the while my wee pig was exploring the limits of the table top). meanwhile a sacrament meeting is happening in which a woman in my ward was standing up to speak after two speakers who only took about five minutes each (thus she had a lot of time to fill). as i flashed back and forth between the pig-accompanied discussion of the possibility of dating this man and the sacrament meeting, the pig started shedding a layer of its skin. meanwhile the woman giving the sacrament talk started explaining that her talk wasn't that long so she wasn't sure how she'd fill all of the time and then said that before she started her talk she wanted to say something. she proceeded to talk about being six feet tall (she wasn't me; i swear; she was blonde and much more beautiful than i am)--except she wasn't six feet tall--and how that kept men from dating her. and then she started berating the men from the pulpit. until the bishopric interrupted her in order to address the situation. all the while this mini pig was grunting and rooting around on the table. i didn't get to hear what the bishop said.

now. i've had some weird dreams in the past. being chased by storm troopers. watching the crucifixion while being concerned that the argonauts were coming for me. receiving a proposal of polygamous marriage from a good friend, being encouraged by his current wife to accept, and being presented with the primary incentive--a huge diamond ring. but all of those i could kind of understand. i mean, it's not all that strange to incorporate fictional characters into dreams. the crucifixion/argonauts combo directly addressed an emotionally stressful situation in my life at the time. the polygamy was wacko, but i had been learning about the history of polygamy in the church that week at institute. this one--this one i just don't know what to do with. thoughts?

shoulds.
this week's discoveries and recommendations.

eat.

• philippe's. the home of the original french dip sandwich, which was, according to legend, discovered accidentally one day when a sandwich was dropped in the drippings from the roast but the customer was in such a hurry that he ate it anyway. and then returned and ordered it the same way. it was good. but not outstanding in terms of food. i prefer dipping my own sandwich rather than having them dip it for me, which resulted in a sogginess that messed with my textures sensitivity. however, the experience was worth it since i was alread in the neighborhood (union station, olivera street, disney hall, etc., etc.). next time i'm in the neighborhood, i think i'll go with the lamb incarnation (which i was advised to do and didn't; i had to try the beef first). get the potato salad on the side.

sound.

• mahler. i told you last week you should go to this concernt. i did. last night with my mama. and it was every bit as incredible as i thought it would be. and then some. the third is a gorgeous, lush, formally unconventional symphony that celebrates love and joy's capacity to defeat suffering. everyone should see it performed. mahler is a genius. his third counts for this week's re-discovery.
  

site.

• gehry. specifically the walt disney concert hall. i'd been to the building twice--once to a film festival and once to explore the roof garden. i've always loved the exterior of the building and all of gehry's work. his buildings feel alive to me, an exquisite melding of movement and stasis in a building that demands to be called scuplture as well as a building. but i'd never seen the concert hall. it's as vibrant as the building, with curvaceous, warm wooden ceiling and walls, and a perfect twilight blue light. not to mention the exploding facade of the pipe organ. don't miss it.

grace.

• love. a scripture chain for you. because following it gave me peace this week. start in romans 8. a lovely chapter. specifically verses 28 and 37-39. some cross references about what it means to love god, as mentioned in verse 28. Ezra 8:22, in which seek takes the place of love; Alma 36:3 in which trust takes the place of love; D&C 90:24 in which search, pray, believe, walk uprightly, and remember the covenant take the place of love. after thinking through this, verse 39 of Romans 8 got me thinking about what could separate us from god, which took me to D&C 124:33 in which i discovered that we are separated from god when we "hinder the almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven." i loved that idea--that god's love takes the shape of knowledge. thoughts?

forecast.

• classical. because you really should take advantage of the LA phil and disney hall. this week they're doing mozart's requiem and stravinsky's symphony of psalms (which uses the text from psalms 39, 40, and 150). i'm sure it will be brilliant.

peace.
morning mist on my lake. part of the hilton lakes in the high sierra outside bishop. i took this about three years ago, the first time i went into the mountains with my brothers. going there is like going home.

i've decided to do an image of the week. sometimes a photo i take. sometimes a photo from someone else that's meaningful to me on a personal level. sometimes a photo or image that i've discovered and think is beautiful.

routine.
somewhere between 6 and 7, the alarm goes off (sometimes this happens as early as 4:30 or 5; never after 8). i can't sleep later than about 7:30 or 8. the alarm is set to NPR (i'm a junkie)--morning edition. so i wake to news. sometimes i stayed up too late the night before so i kind of drift in and out of sleep with NPR playing in the background. this makes for fabulous dreams in which i believe i am building an eco-friendly house or am in a board meeting discussing the sale of a company. it's kind of a lovely way to wake up.

once i am awake rather than drifting in a sleepy haze through the virtual world of NPR, i generally laze around in bed for half an hour. guilty pleasure. to simply lie there all cozy warm in my bed (which i love!). plus i get to hear the news, without which my day is crappy (see above indication that i'm a junkie). then i do one of three things: 1. turn off the radio and read before getting up; if i do this, it's cause i'm reading something either fictional or for no reason other than pleasure; 2. listen to radio while checking email, blogs, etc., etc.; or 3. i get up. which sets in motion the following: stare at my closet to determine what i will wear that day (sometimes this happens while lazing in bed; and this is occasionally a much more difficult process than it should be); assemble clothing for day; shower; moisturize face and style hair to the accompaniment of more NPR (bought a bathroom clock radio for this purpose).

i might eat. it kind of depends on whether my mom is around and how insistent she is that i eat before leaving. these days i usually read a bit or do the email cause i don't have to be anywhere til 10. which is when i show up at pam's house to work. pam is a lady i know who is blind and is working on her master's in english. i help her out. reading to her, looking stuff up online, cleaning the fridge out, running errands, finding show times and ticket prices, etc., etc. at some point she will offer me food. i usually accept unless i had an unusually large and late breakfast (thanks to my mama).

i wrap up at 2 and head off to do my own thing. which means read. or research. which are essentially the same thing. this generally happens in some cafe (my favorites these days are panera or kean) where i can get something to drink.

evenings are: monday eat and work; tuesday eat and work or socialize; wednesday eat and institute; thursday eat and institute; friday eat and work or socialize or fry my brain in front of the boobtube.

you can see the glaring omissions. exercise. scripture study. enough time to work. the scripture study will change first. tonight i spent a lovely hour in the scriptures. it was enlightening. then maybe i can work on getting my body into shape. it's about damn time i reversed the slow upward creep of the scale. not to mention making it possible to hike seven miles without feeling like i'm going to keel over dead at the next step. completely untenable since next year i'm not only going on my usual week-long jaunt but also hoping to climb whitney.

with that, i think it's my bed time. 11:00. night.

update.
so yesterday i was back down on harbor and found the infamous hummer again parked along the curb. except i noticed the rear of the vehicle was lower than the front. so i looked again only to discover it had a very flat rear tire. i wonder which of the potentially offended parties had slashed it. eco-freak? femi-nazi? ultra right-wing prude? hummer-lover? the possibilities are endless. who do you think did it?

rich.
and crass. that was the message delivered by the hummer i saw parked on harbor today. a hummer complete with custom paint job in a swirl of grays and blacks with highly stylized and completely nude women surrounded by brilliant bursts of color scattered over the whole of it. topped off with a light bar of flashing yellow lights. i couldn't decide whether i should be offended or relieved to see such honest pairing of destructive wealth and destructive attitudes. at least the offensiveness wasn't buried behind a facade of genitility.

discovered.
at the prompting of friends, i decided it's time to start sharing the discoveries i make. they'll take all kinds of shapes and forms. dining. sweets. books. music. art. you name it, if it's good or interesting or scrumptious or lovely, i'll try to share it. so each week, check in and see what i've discovered in the last seven days. and for good measure i'll occasionally throw in something i've discovered a while ago and continue to enjoy.

indulge.

• sprinkles. the most ridiculous concept in sweet goods ever. a store that sells cupcakes. that's it. cupcakes for you. cupcakes for your dog. and shots of frosting. for those of us who don't like cupcakes but do like frosting. it's also ridiculously overpriced--$3.25 for a single cupcake. that didn't stop my friends and i from buying half a dozen to sample. i recommend the funkier varieties--pumpkin with cinnamon frosting, chai with chai frosting, ginger with lemon cream cheese frosting. you can pass on the basics--chocolate and vanilla in all of their varieties. i make better basics at home. if you must have a chocolate one, get the red velvet.
• chocolate. so i did a chocolate night with friends this week. we sampled a pound of see's candies, five different chocolate bars, and three varieties of chocolate ice cream. the discovery was lindt's white chocolate coconut bar. it was tasty. hands down the best white chocolate i've ever tasted. it was so good, in fact, that a friend who likes neither white chocolate nor coconut liked it best of the bars available that night. and if you're up for something a bit trippy, try a nice dark chocolate with either peppercorn or chili pepper.
  

relax.

• kean. i'm always on the lookout for a new cafe. and my standards are rather high. i want not only excellent hot cocoa (something that is nearly impossible to find), some herbal tea options, and decent snacks, but also a relaxing environment. somewhere i can sit and study for hours. i found a lovely new alternative this week. kean. at the intersection of irvine and 17th street at the edge of costa mesa and newport beach. they not only have your standard hot cocoa, but also mayan spiced and mexican spiced hot cocoa. and they not only have herbal teas, but also herbal iced tea (something i've never found before, though i've often wanted it) and herbal chai (another rarety). and they make italian cream sodas. pair it with tasty food and the sustenance side of the equation is met. on top of it all, they have a lovely atmosphere complete with comfy chairs, friendly employees, and live music in the evening on the weekends. and they give their coffee grounds to customers to use as fertilizer. goodness in all its possible cafe forms. for you coffee drinkers out there, i'm sure their coffee is as good as it gets. and it's an independent. long live the independent coffee house.

read.

• dickens. so i was browsing barnes & noble last night (a pasttime for me; i just can't walk through those doors without committing myself to a perusal of the bargains). i had gone in to buy sibelius' 5th symphony (which is gorgeous) for my dad for his birthday and on my way out i made my obligatory stop by the bargain shelves. only to discover beautiful hardbound reprints of the nonesuch series of dickens novels. nonesuch was a press active during the early half of the 20th century. they printed hardbound copies of literature that attempted to combine the quality of a fine press and the affordability of a mass market printer. these use dickens' final text and the illustrations he chose himself to accompany his novels. the original set included 24 books. i only purchased 4 and i don't know how many B&N is selling, but they're only $6.98 each.
  

eat.

• thai. thai nakorn, to be exact. on garden grove boulevard between harbor and fairview. go. you won't regret it. it's worth the drive down harbor to eat this incredibly delicious food. and it's not expensive. i have far too many favorites to list them all, but some suggestions: beef panang curry(i have never, ever, even at ruth's chris steak house, had beef this tender; it practically melts in your mouth), barbequed catfish (incredible fish, amazing sauce), pad thai (the best i've eaten anywhere), beef with chili and basil. if there's a thai dish you want, they probably have it. and if it's not on the menu, they'll probably make it for you anyway. for dessert try the sweet sticky rice with mango, the coconut ice cream, the coconut custard (cooked in the coconut), or the fried banana. or you could be weird like me and get the coconut ice cream served on top of the sweet sticky rice. it makes me hungry just thinking about all of this deliciousness. do yourself a favor and go. right now if possible.

forecast.

• disney hall. to experience mahler's third. this friday, saturday, and sunday. not only is this the most gorgeous venue, anywhere, this symphony is an amazing experience. the first movement is longer than the entirety of beethoven's 5th. the work as a whole embodies all of creation, from the beginning to the angels. it uses not only an immense orchestra (nine double basses; there aren't many composers who call for that many double basses), but also a mezzo-soprano soloist, a women's chorus, and a boys' chorus. exquisitely passionate. if you get the chance go. if you're a student, you can try for a $10 rush ticket beginning two hours before the performance.
  

needs.
i've decided that since i use google to find everything else, i should also use it to discover what exactly i need. because i clearly haven't been able to figure it out on my own and google is like the 21st century version of a seer. so, with thanks to marigold who inspired this and my last post, google tells me that i need the following:

• amelia needs you!
• amelia needs to turn her attention to regaining her husband's love
• amelia needs 3-4 hours of exercise daily
• amelia needs a haircut and a real job
• amelia needs to rise to the challenge
• amelia needs help
• amelia needs to pray for getting her horrible grades up
• amelia needs him
• amelia needs constant support and encouragement and this can be achieved with outside help and financial aid in the form of regular donations or a monthly debit order
• amelia needs attention to details
• amelia needs to get to the library
• amelia needs a desk that meets her work needs
• amelia is really a princess, and in order to break the spell she is under, she needs a kiss before two cycles of the moon pass
• amelia needs someone who is understanding, intelligent and likes planning ahead like she does
• amelia needs to learn impulse control
• amelia needs a good nap

and

• amelia doesn't need "big assets"

i also discovered another amelia in the blogosphere who has done this precise search. i didn't steal all of her amelia needs; i only used the ones that my own google search turned up.

now i think i should feel slightly disturbed. the entries in color are so accurate that i couldn't have stated them better myself. i made one gray because it's essentially accurate--i could certainly use a kiss within the next two moon cycles--but the princess and spell parts can only be interpreted metaphorically.

and you? do you have needs?

fantasy.
if i were a paper doll, i'd look like this. well, i might not be wearing earrings. cause i only wear them occasionally. and it's only about a 30% chance i'll be wearing my glasses. and the puppy is a figment of my imagination for now, but i'd have one if i could. the slightly funky style and the spiky short hair--that's pretty accurate. and i suppose i should be honest and say that my thighs are a smidgeon larger than hers. but you know, if i can't fantasize about having perfect legs when envisioning my paper doll self, when can i?

if you too would like a lovely way to completely waste time on the internet, go build yourself a doll. maybe one of these times i'll build myself a fantasy man to go with that fantasy dog and those fantasy legs.

light.
my week began and ended with light. i turned thirty-one last monday. my body woke at 6:00, unbidden, to a silence-filled dawn. my blinds were open and i watched as first light crept into the world, infusing the sky with golden periwinkle against which a palm tree stood silhouetted, the whole striated by my blinds. after watching the gold grow stronger and the blue of night fade, i sat up so i could look out on my world and discovered a crystal clear sky, blue mountains beckoning along the horizon. it was a beautiful way to start a new year.

as i moved through that day, thinking about the opportunities created by starting a new year, the clarity of that half an hour laying in bed watching the gleam infuse the world stayed with me. as i looked forward i saw nothing but possibility and happiness and love. in many incarnations, but possibility and happiness and love nonetheless. that feeling stayed with me all week, coloring all of my interactions with others. shaping my attitudes. leaving me feeling happier than i have in years. and for no discernible reason.

last night as i drove on a wild goose chase to meet friends, the sun set, filling the world with shadows. and over the palm trees' silhouette standing against the deepening night sky, the moon captured the sun's light, silver infused with the gold of a sinking sun.

cahier.
yesterday morning, i sat on my bed listening to NPR, and opened my new moleskine notebook. legend has it that moleskine notebooks were used by artists and poets and writers all through the 20th century, carried in pockets of van gogh and hemingway and picasso, traveling around the globe as the avant-garde found inspiration for their imaginings. probably the manufacturer of this incarnation of the moleskine has simply tapped into a beautiful marketing scheme, but these artists did in fact use pocket-sized notebooks. repositories for flashes of insight and skeletons of future works of genius.

there's something magical about a blank notebook or journal. empty pages, waiting to be filled. even when all that's inscribed there is ordinary, mundane bits of information, they tell a story of a life. and, in amongst the mundanities, there are bits and pieces of wisdom and brilliance and passion. sometimes insights of my own. sometimes those of others far more gifted than i, culled from the world around me as i wander museums and bookstores and the mall. yes. the mall. it's amazing where inspiration appears unbidden.

just as i finished unwrapping my black, grid-lined notebook with a pocket at the back to hold treasures, my mama walked into my room holding something in her hand, saying "i think i'll send these to madelyn." when she got closer, i saw that she was holding three or four old notebooks of mine--relics of my childhood interest in hello kitty. but also the ancestors of my continuing love of a blank book, ready to be filled with thoughts and ideas.

happy.
more simple (potentially frivolous) things that make me happy:

• the way a newborn baby's stomach rises and falls as he breathes
• british accents, especially glottal stops and crisp t's
• periwinkle blue moths fluttering
  
• unexpected color combinations
• ice cream sandwiches from diddy riese followed by a burrito from tito's tacos
• cardigan sweaters with big buttons
• brie's black look

to be continued...

struggle.
it has been a dark few months. dark with flashes of light. because god is good and because no matter how dark things get—and they have gotten rather dark at moments—i can’t help seeing some of the beauties and graces god gives me regularly. but i have been turning away from those moments, back into a landscape of despair and discouragement and self-disgust. i have struggled to do anything worth while. i have woken almost every morning wondering what it is i live for, what reason i have to do what i have to do. if i didn’t have unavoidable obligations, i don’t honestly know where i would be right now. the impulse to run, to hide, to avoid everything, to just go away has been strong. and i have done so in some ways. i have turned my back on so many things that i treasure. on myself and the gifts i have always loved. on my friends and family on occasion. on my education and my goals. on my understanding of the gospel and my relationship with god. faced by the pain that i had come to associate with these things, i simply turned away.

last week i broke. after saying the same things over and over for months, after having lambasted myself as lazy for not changing when i knew what i needed to change, after having felt anger and hatred for myself for not having the strength to take the simple actions i needed to take in order to help myself, i finally realized that i could not do this. this wasn’t a new realization. i’ve been realizing exactly that for a long time. but i have always rejected it. i’ve always adamantly insisted that if only i would get up earlier or work harder or eat better or some combination of the three or any number of other practical solutions, then i would feel better and i would be able to move on. but last week i came face to face with the realization that i. can. not. help. myself.

it was a strange moment. full of grief. and full of grace. it left me weeping at my own inadequacy—past and present. but it also left me turning to god. so bereft of any hope that i could save myself that i was forced to turn to him and put myself into his hands. i had been so full of despair and afraid of life that day that i didn’t even trust myself to do that little—to actually say to god, “i trust thee. please help.” so i sought help in taking even that small step by going to talk to an ecclesiastical leader who is also an old friend.

as we talked and as we turned to the scriptures for insight and guidance, a beautiful thing happened. he kept turning to passages that spoke to me. that summoned up some principle or truth that has long been dear to me, that i have studied. and i felt the threads of my life twine and knit together. abstract lines of thought and study became urgently real in my moment of need. i left that night trusting god as i never have before. since then, my soul has known peace.

i know that things will not be simple. i know that i will still struggle, that i will still have some of the same problems i have had for the last two or three years. but i also know that i now have hope. that life looks beautiful again. that i see opportunities. that i recognize gifts. that i love myself again. and with that knowledge and that outlook—with god’s assurance and care—i can face the struggle.